In this article, we will talk about how to effectively get over a breakup when you still love your ex.
So, it’s over. A while ago, everything was fine.
You two enjoyed each other and always had a great time together. Maybe you were casually dating, or maybe your relationship was serious and you were living together.
Now, you have tears running down your face. It feels like the end of the world, and you feel miserable. Lonely.
You’re feeling a bizarre combination of negative emotions. Guilt, insecurity, anger, sadness, you name it.
Getting over a breakup can be one of the hardest things you’ll ever experience.
In this type of situation, emotions can be tricky, and understanding them isn’t easy. I’ve experienced it, and so have you.
The good news is that feeling that way is completely normal. The even better news is that getting over a breakup isn’t impossible. And you can even use it to your advantage to grow and become a better version of yourself.
In today’s article, we’ll explore eight proven tips to get over a breakup. I’m not going to lie to you, this will be a long journey. But it will be worth it.
1. Ghost them
When I say ghosting, I mean it. I’ve ignored this advice and paid a price for it, so hear me out.
When you’ve just broken up, you’re not thinking clearly. Everything they do or say feels so important to you.
Every little move they make feels like the end of the world to you and you find yourself overanalyzing every single thing they do or say.
In a nutshell, your mind needs time to heal. If you keep interacting with them, or stalking them on social media, you’re not letting your mind do so.
It’s like pouring salt into a wound.
Every interaction with them strengthens the mental bond that you have with them. And getting rid of that bond is essential.
So, if you can, go no contact with them.
Stop spending time with them, don’t stay in touch, and mute their social media.
It hurts, but it’s the right thing to do.
Think about it this way. Do you really want to stay in touch with them and let every move they make torture you for months, or even years?
Or do you prefer to just go no contact and feel the breakup pain just for a few weeks/months and then heal?
This may be a hard pill to swallow, but it’s the truth. Ignoring this principle costed me more than two years of frustration, this is why this is in my opinion the most important point.
Going no contact to get over a breakup doesn’t mean being rude. It’s about taking care of your wellbeing and mental health.
If they think it’s harsh, it’s their problem. Just explain to them that you need time to heal. It’s nothing personal.
2. Deal with your emotions
Emotions are tricky but natural. Showing them after a breakup is normal. You must realize that life has beaten you down, and accept it. Accepting your emotion is the first step of dealing with them.
Remember that it’s OK to cry, and it’s ok to feel miserable. Don’t suppress or ignore your emotions because otherwise they’ll only become worse.
As mentioned in an article published on My Online Therapy:
“In the short-term, suppressing our feelings might mean overreacting in situations. In the long-term, it can have much more serious consequences – leading to issues like depression, anxiety, and sleep disorders.”
Accepting how you feel can be painful, I know, but it’s essential.
Accepting your emotions and dealing with them isn’t a synonymous of weakness. In fact, I don’t know about you, but I see it as a huge strength.
When you accept your negative emotions, it means that you’re strong enough to face them.
We all deal with emotions differently.
Some people deal with them by themselves, some through mindfulness, some others listen to heavy metal, while some people need to talk with their loved ones about how they feel.
Just make sure you choose whatever works best for you.
Recommended read: The Spiritual Meaning of Dreaming About Your Ex
3. Form a realistic picture of them
After a breakup, you see your ex differently. It feels like there’s no one like them, and their flaws feel irrelevant. And everything they do affects you.
You must realize that they’re not irreplaceable. Repeat with me,
They’re not irreplaceable.
They’re not perfect, and their actions don’t matter.
I know, this is easier said than done, but realizing it can help. A lot.
Their opinions about you don’t matter anymore. You don’t need to compare yourself with anyone and they’re not better than you.
Realize that they’re just a human being like everyone else. If they get a date faster than you, it doesn’t matter.
That’s just temporary. If they’re more successful than you (for now), it doesn’t mean anything.
If you hear something from them, do this exercise. How would you react if a friend of a friend of yours had the same situation? You probably wouldn’t spend too much time worrying about it.
This is how you should see your ex too. As a friend of a friend.
Fortunately, this problem starts to naturally fix itself when you go no contact. Right now, it’s like if you’re seeing them through some “hexed” glasses that make them look much better than they are.
However, if you go no contact and start focusing on yourself, your life, your family and your friends, those glasses will eventually stop working.
You’ll stop seeing your ex as someone irreplaceable. That’s when you’ll also stop thinking about them. And when you’ll start feeling much better.
4. Avoid these common mistakes
When it comes to getting over a breakup, there are some common mistakes most people make. And these mistakes deserve a section in this article. Some mistakes that I’ve seen include:
- Comparing yourself to others,
- Trying to prove something to your ex or your friends in common,
- Stalking your ex on social media.
Comparing yourself to your ex does more harm than good.
I know, it can give you temporary satisfaction when your ex sees you performing better at something, or dating someone new, but depending on that satisfaction will eventually betray you.
If you take this road, eventually they’ll do something better than you, and you’ll feel miserable. Also, this mindset can make you vulnerable and may negatively affect your self-esteem, which makes you perceive your own flaws much worse than they are.
Most importantly, comparing yourself to your ex is a sign of insecurity. It means that you need external validation to feel good.
True confidence isn’t about external validation. It’s about knowing that no one is better than you. We all have strengths and flaws, period.
It’s not about your capabilities. It’s about how you see yourself.
When it comes to proving something, I have a funny story. I was in a club with my friends. We were having some beers together and we were having a great conversation.
That was when I noticed my ex on the opposite side of the club.
When I looked at her, she started making out with a guy. Later, she came to me and asked me if I was dating someone, with a smirk. She was kind of competing with me!
So, what was that? Did I get upset? Of course not.
She was desperate to prove something to me, and honestly, I couldn’t take her seriously. Actually, I perceived that as a huge sign of insecurity. And I found her behavior even funny.
Trying to prove something to your ex is another sign of insecurity. It’s a sign you need external validation to feel good about yourself.
Being in a new relationship doesn’t mean anything if you need it to feel good about yourself and prove something to your ex.
The moral of the story: don’t try to prove anything. You don’t have to. Just focus on yourself. Your inner confidence is all you need.
Stalking your ex on social media is another common mistake too many people make. It’s easy to open Instagram and seek your ex’s profile to see how they’re doing.
“What if she has a new boyfriend?” “Is she having a great life?”
Those are common thoughts. However, resist the urge to check their profile. It will only lead to frustration – and it violates the first principle in this article.
5. Develop healthy beliefs
Your beliefs are an essential part of who you are. They are basically thoughts and values you strongly believe in. Whether your beliefs are good or bad, they shape your life.
When you’re trying to get over a breakup, your negative beliefs are magnified. Beliefs like:
- “There’s something wrong with me.”
- “I need a partner to feel good about myself.”
- “I don’t deserve a happy life.”
In this case, you must take action to deal with those beliefs. You must regain your confidence and understand it’s ok to make mistakes.
Changing your beliefs may take time, but here’s how you do it:
Try to replace each of your negative beliefs with a positive one. You must challenge that negative belief and weaken it.
You can do this by searching (and finding) evidence that reinforces your positive beliefs and weakens the negative ones.
For example, if you feel like there’s something wrong with you because your partner cheated on you, challenge that thought by realizing that their infidelity says a lot about them. Not about you!
Often a breakup isn’t personal. It can be caused by external factors (like your ex’s need for validation, or their insecurity for example) that have nothing to do with you.
Changing your beliefs to get over a breakup may take time, but it can be very powerful. Challenge your negative beliefs with different evidence in your mind or through journaling.
When you do this consistently, your new positive beliefs will influence your thoughts, actions, and life in general.
When you’re certain about something, other people will also notice it. This is why true confidence comes from inside.
6. Build a pleasant lifestyle
The previous section was all about the inner game. Now, it’s time to work on the outer game. To live a pleasant life, you must develop a healthy lifestyle. Fortunately, this is completely possible if you are willing to try.
A pleasant lifestyle consists several things:
- Having a positive attitude and taking care of your mental health,
- Having hobbies you truly enjoy,
- Spending time with your family, friends, and other positive people,
- Having a career or life project you love,
- Having a life purpose you love.
How many of those things do you have? If the answer is less than four, you should definitely take action to fix this.
Hang out with your friends more frequently. Start a new hobby – for example, I love martial arts.
In the end, anyone can drastically change the quality of their life. Everything you want is there for you. You only have to go there and take it.
And you will see that working on yourself will help you focus less on your ex, and more on the things you love.
If you make an effort, you’ll learn to focus more on yourself, and you will love it. Guaranteed.
7. Start dating again
Dating is an essential part of a fulfilling lifestyle, so you should try get back into it as soon as you feel ready.
Once you’ve developed healthy beliefs and started to build a healthy lifestyle, hanging out with and meeting new people is something you should consider.
However, remember to focus on yourself first. If you still feel insecure and needy, dating will be frustrating.
However, once you develop an exciting lifestyle and a healthy mindset, you’ll probably find that person who will be happy to join you.
The key is to make your life so amazing that you feel happy and complete even without a partner. That’s when you also become truly attractive.
Get back to dating as soon as you feel ready, but make sure you’re done with your past. Make sure you have processed and got over your breakup.
8. Use your breakup to your advantage
Let me share a quick story: a long time ago, I suffered a nasty heartbreak. It shattered my self-esteem and made me distant. I thought there was something wrong with me.
However, I made a decision. I decided to use it as a motivation to take my life to the next level. I started to improve everything from my social skills to my mental health, and so on.
It took me a few months, but I flipped the script. Hearing my best friend say that I had completely changed felt great.
See, whenever I look back, I think that heartbreak was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. It encouraged me to work on myself.
What does this have to do with you? Breaking up often leads to a painful situation.
However, you can use that pain to motivate you to work on yourself.
After you’ve gone through the healing journey, you’ll be grateful that the heartbreak happened.
So, if you’ve just broken up, maybe it’s time to flip the script.
Imagine working in silence and shocking everybody with your results. Imagine your friends noticing that you’re happier and more charismatic than ever.
The key to success in anything is consistency. As long as you don’t quit, the results are inevitable.
As I said before, I’ve tested these strategies in my life and they worked.
If you’re trying to get over a breakup, I feel you. That’s a tough situation.
However, I’m sure you can get over it. I’ve done it, other people have done it, and so can you. Follow the blueprint, and thank yourself later.
I hope this article inspired you to take action. Remember, you’re not alone. Breaking up is something we all experience.
With this said, I wish you an inspiring day!