If you’ve ever felt confused, drained, or like you’re constantly walking on eggshells around someone, you might be dealing with an emotional manipulator.
These people don’t play fair: they twist reality, make you doubt yourself, and use subtle mind games to stay in control.
The worst part? They don’t reveal their true nature right away. They start with charm, affection, and attention, making you feel special before slowly shifting into manipulation.
I’ve seen so many people struggle in these toxic dynamics without even realizing what’s happening. But once you spot the signs, everything starts to make sense.
If you’ve been questioning someone’s behavior but can’t quite put your finger on what feels off, these red flags will help you see the truth. Trust yourself, if something feels wrong, it probably is.
Why listen to me? I’m Sira Mas and I’m a relationship coach. I write about self-improvement, love, dating and psychology. My work has been featured on large publications such as Mamamia, Plenty of Fish, Ladders, Entrepreneur and Thrive Global.
They Love Bombed You at the Beginning
Emotional manipulators don’t introduce themselves as manipulators…obviously. Or everyone would run away from them.
What they do instead is hooking you in at the beginning, through love bombing.
And you’ve probably been there: at first, it feels like you’ve met the perfect person.
They shower you with attention, gifts, compliments, they tell you everything you want or need to hear, and make you feel like you’re the center of their world.
They move fast, maybe too fast, pushing for deep emotional connection before you’ve had time to really process what’s happening.
They might tell you they’ve never felt this way before, that they can’t imagine their life without you, or that they’ve finally found their soulmate.
It feels intense, passionate, and overwhelming, in a way that seems romantic at first but later starts to feel suffocating.
But love bombing isn’t love – it’s a strategy. They want you to become emotionally dependent on them so that when they start to withdraw, you’ll crave the attention they once gave freely.
And as you’ll see in the next section, their behavior doesn’t stay consistent for long.
They Play Hot and Cold
Once they have you hooked, their behavior changes. One moment, they are affectionate and sweet, and the next, they become distant and cold. They suddenly withdraw their attention, leaving you confused and anxious.
This push-and-pull dynamic is deliberate. Emotional manipulators want to keep you guessing, making you work harder for their affection.
This way, they remain in control while you become emotionally invested in earning their approval again.
If someone’s behavior feels inconsistent and unpredictable, it’s not your imagination, it’s manipulation.
They Guilt Trip You
Whenever you try to set boundaries or express your needs, they make you feel guilty. They act hurt, disappointed, or even angry to make you feel like you’ve done something wrong.
For example, if you say you need space, they might respond with, “I guess I just don’t matter to you,” or “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”
This is not a normal reaction, it’s a form of control. A healthy person respects your boundaries, but an emotional manipulator makes you feel bad for having them.
They Gaslight You
Gaslighting is one of their favorite tactics. They make you doubt your own reality, making you feel confused and insecure. They might say things like:
- “That never happened. You’re imagining things.”
- “You’re overreacting. You always do this.”
- “You’re too sensitive. I was just joking.”
Over time, this makes you question yourself. You start to wonder if you’re the problem when in reality, they are distorting the truth to maintain control over you. And the way they do it is very similar to another tactic, intermittent reinforcement.
Intermittent Reinforcement
Like I said in the section about hot and cold behavior, manipulators thrive on inconsistency. But intermittent reinforcement takes it to another level. Instead of switching between affection and distance randomly, they reward you with love and attention only when you behave the way they want.
This is a powerful manipulation tactic because it creates addiction. Your brain starts to crave those rare moments of kindness, making you overlook all the bad treatment in between.
I’ve been there and trust me, you don’t even realize that’s happening. You just feel confused and, well, addicted.
It’s like it happens with gambling, occasional wins keep people hooked.
So, if you feel trapped in a cycle of ups and downs, remember this: it’s not love—it’s manipulation. And when or if you finally call them out, they suddenly become the victim. Which takes me to the next point…
They Play the Victim to Avoid Responsibility
No matter what happens, it’s never their fault. If you confront them about their behavior, they turn the situation around and make themselves the victim.
For example, if you tell them they hurt you, they might say, “I was only acting that way because you upset me.” If you call them out for lying, they might claim they had no choice because you’re “too difficult to talk to.”
They refuse to take responsibility, and instead, they make you feel guilty for even bringing it up. And to make things worse, sometimes they may even drag other people into it, this is called triangulation.
Triangulation
Triangulation is when they bring a third person into the situation to make you feel insecure, jealous, or unsure of yourself. They might:
- Compare you to someone else (“Why can’t you be more like them?”)
- Mention how desirable other people find them (“So many people want to be with me.”)
- Use other people’s opinions to invalidate your feelings (“Even my friends agree you’re being unreasonable.”)
This tactic is designed to create self-doubt and make you feel like you need to fight for their approval. It’s a form of psychological warfare, and it always comes back to one thing—control.
They Crave Control Over You
Emotional manipulators need to feel in control. Always.
They may do this by isolating you from your friends (because they don’t want you to have a social circle), making you dependent on them emotionally or financially, or telling you how you should think and feel.
If you try to make independent decisions, they may react with anger, silent treatment, or guilt trips. They want to control your emotions, your actions, and even how you see yourself. And this way they usually manage to control you at least to some extent.
See, a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect and trust, not control. And one of the ways emotional manipulatros maintain control over you is through condescension.
They’re Condescending
They often talk down to you, making you feel small, stupid, or incapable. Their tone may be mocking, dismissive, or sarcastic. They might say things like:
- “You wouldn’t understand, but I’ll explain it anyway.”
- “That’s cute. You actually think that’s a good idea?”
- “You’re so sensitive. You take everything too seriously.”
This behavior is meant to slowly damage your confidence and in a very subtle way. And it’s meant to keep you in a place of self-doubt. Like I said, it happens slowly. So that you don’t even realize what’s happening.
But they do. Oh yeah, they perfectly know what they’re doing: the more unsure you are of yourself, the easier you are to manipulate and control. Which is their goal.
They Use Silent Treatment as Punishment
When emotional manipulators don’t get their way, they don’t communicate like adults, they punish you with silence.
Instead of addressing an issue, they withdraw completely, ignoring your texts, calls, or presence to make you feel anxious and crave their attention.
The goal? To make you apologize, even if you didn’t do anything wrong. They want you to chase them, to feel guilty, and to work harder to please them.
A healthy person takes time to cool off but eventually talks things through. A manipulator, on the other hand, often uses the silent treatment to control you. So if you find yourself constantly trying to “fix” things without knowing what you did wrong, it’s not normal, it’s manipulation.
They Twist Your Words Against You
Emotional manipulators have a talent for taking your words and flipping them in ways you never intended. They distort what you say to make themselves look like the victim or to make you feel guilty.
For example, you might calmly express a concern, and they’ll respond with, “Oh, so now I’m a terrible person?” or “I can’t believe you would say something so hurtful to me.”
Suddenly, the conversation isn’t about your feelings, it’s about how you supposedly attacked or hurt them.
Over time, this makes you second-guess yourself. You start walking on eggshells, afraid that anything you say will be turned against you.
They Create Drama Over Small Stuff
Have you ever had a normal disagreement turn into a full-blown crisis? That’s because emotional manipulators love to create chaos. They take minor issues, like a simple misunderstanding, and blow them out of proportion.
They do this for two reasons: one, to exhaust you emotionally and two, to shift the focus away from their own bad behavior. If they keep you wrapped up in unnecessary drama, you’ll be too drained to question their actions.
Healthy relationships don’t feel like a constant emotional fight. If someone is always creating drama, leaving you emotionally exhausted, and making everything your fault, they’re not just difficult, they’re manipulating you.
They Make You Feel Like You’re Walking on Eggshells
At some point, you start to notice that you can’t be yourself around them. You carefully choose your words, monitor your tone, and avoid certain topics just to keep the peace.
This isn’t a coincidence, it’s part of their control. They want you to feel on edge, constantly worrying about their reactions. And the worst part? The rules are always changing. One day, a joke is funny; the next day, it’s offensive.
If you feel like you can’t relax around someone without the risk of them exploding, shutting down, or making you feel guilty, it’s not normal. Because a relationship should give you peace, not anxiety.
They Act Like They Know You Better Than You Know Yourself
This goes hand in hand with the section about condescending behavior. Manipulators love to tell you what you’re really thinking or how you actually feel. If you say you’re upset, they’ll tell you you’re overreacting. If you set a boundary, they’ll insist you don’t actually mean it or that you’re being mean.
This is a power move. They want to make you question your own thoughts, feelings, and reality so that you rely on their version of events instead of your own.
A healthy person listens and respects your perspective. A manipulator, on the other hand, dismisses it and tries to rewrite your reality.
Recommended reads:
- How to Make a Narcissist Miserable: 14 Steps
- 11 Signs Being with a Narcissist Made You More Resilient Than You Think
- 9 Warning Signs of a Dark Empath + FAQs
If you recognize most of these signs, trust yourself, it’s not in your head, it’s real.
Emotional manipulators thrive on confusion, guilt, and control, but the moment you start seeing their tactics for what they are, you begin taking your power back.
The best way to protect yourself is to set firm boundaries, trust your instincts, and distance yourself from people who drain your energy instead of uplifting you.
You deserve healthy, respectful relationships. Anyone who plays mind games, twists reality, or makes you question your worth does not deserve a place in your life.