Some people don’t hurt you out of nowhere.
If you think about it, there are always signs before they hurt you.
Like small moments that felt strange, comments you brushed off, or behavior you explained away because you liked them, trusted them, or wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt.
I’ve learned that the biggest red flags aren’t always “big”. Sometimes they’re subtle enough to make you question whether you’re being too sensitive.
Obviously, you’re not looking for perfection here. Everyone has bad days, insecurities, and moments they aren’t proud of.
What matters is the pattern.
If someone repeatedly leaves you feeling confused, diminished, or anxious, pay attention.
Your discomfort may be telling you something long before your mind is ready to accept it.
Here are 13 warning signs I would never ignore.
Why listen to me? I’m Sira Mas and I’m a relationship coach. I write about self-improvement, love, dating and psychology. My work has been featured on large publications such as Mamamia, Plenty of Fish, Ladders, Entrepreneur and Thrive Global.
1. Their compliments feel fake, almost like they’re trying to gain your trust
There’s a difference between someone genuinely appreciating you and someone telling you exactly what they think you want to hear.
Maybe you’ve known them for three days and you’re already the most incredible person they’ve ever met. You’re different from everyone else. Nobody understands them like you do.
It feels flattering, but something about it seems exaggerated. Sound familiar?
Pay attention to that feeling.
Some manipulative people use compliments to create closeness quickly. They’re learning what makes you feel valued and giving you plenty of it because they want your trust.
Genuine admiration usually grows as someone actually gets to know you.
When someone barely knows you but already seems to have memorized everything you’ve ever wanted to hear, don’t automatically mistake intensity for sincerity.
2. They flirt with other people when they’re on a date with you
This one tells you more than people realize.
You’re sitting across from them at dinner, yet they’re making prolonged eye contact with the server. They become unusually charming with someone at the bar. Maybe they openly check someone out and then watch your reaction.
And you’re left wondering whether you’re imagining it.
You’re probably not.
Someone who’s genuinely interested in building something with you shouldn’t need to make you feel like you’re competing for their attention while you’re literally on a date together.
I’ve learned that behavior like this is an early glimpse of how someone handles respect and boundaries.
If they’re already comfortable making you feel small when they’re supposed to be impressing you, imagine how they’ll behave once they know you’re emotionally attached.
3. They give you backhanded compliments
“You look really pretty today. You should wear makeup like that more.”
“You’re actually very intelligent.”
“You look great for your age.”
It sounds like a compliment, but somehow you feel worse afterward.
That’s because there was an insult hidden inside it.
Backhanded compliments are an early way of testing how much disrespect you’ll tolerate.
See, if you laugh it off, they’ll push a little further next time. And if you object, they have the perfect escape.
“I was complimenting you!”
I’ve met people who were exceptionally good at making someone feel insecure while maintaining plausible innocence.
Good people don’t need to lower your confidence while pretending to build it.
If someone’s compliments consistently leave you wondering whether you’ve just been insulted, don’t ignore that pattern.
4. You feel drained after spending time with them
Your body sometimes recognizes a difficult person before your mind does.
You spend three hours together and come home exhausted.
Maybe you’ve been carefully choosing your words all evening. Listening to endless complaints. Reassuring them constantly. Managing their moods. Trying to prevent another unnecessary disagreement.
Nothing enormous necessarily happened, yet you feel relieved when you’re finally alone.
Well, don’t dismiss that.
Of course, everyone can occasionally have an emotionally heavy day. But you shouldn’t consistently need to recover from spending time with someone you’re supposed to enjoy being around.
I’ve learned to pay much more attention to how I feel after interacting with someone.
Do you feel relaxed, respected, and comfortable? Or confused, tense, guilty, and completely depleted?
That difference will tell you a lot.
5. There’s too much hot-and-cold behavior and emotional instability
Monday, they can’t get enough of you.
Tuesday, they’re distant.
Wednesday, everything is wonderful again. By Friday, you’re wondering what you did wrong.
That instability can become incredibly addictive because you start chasing the good version of them.
You tell yourself that if you say the right thing, become more understanding, or stop upsetting them, maybe you’ll get that warm person back.
I’ve been there, and it’s exhausting.
Healthy relationships can have disagreements and changes in mood.
What they shouldn’t have is constant emotional whiplash.
If someone repeatedly pulls you close and then pushes you away, notice what it’s doing to you.
You may think you’re falling deeply in love when, in reality, you’re becoming increasingly anxious and preoccupied with earning back a sense of security they keep taking away.
6. They show very little empathy when you genuinely need them
This isn’t only a warning that someone might hurt you later.
They’re already hurting you.
You’re grieving, sick, scared, overwhelmed, or simply having a terrible day, and somehow they can’t show up emotionally.
Maybe they become irritated because your problem is inconvenient. They minimize what you’re experiencing. They change the subject back to themselves. Or they disappear completely until you’re easier to deal with.
Then notice what happens when they need support.
Suddenly, you’re expected to drop everything.
I think difficult moments reveal a lot about someone’s capacity for love.
Anybody can be wonderful when you’re happy, easygoing, and giving them what they want.
Pay close attention to how someone treats you when you’re vulnerable and have absolutely nothing to offer them.
7. They ignore you in group settings
You’re warm and connected when you’re alone.
Then other people arrive and suddenly you barely exist.
They talk over you. Walk ahead without you. Become fascinated by everyone else in the room. They may even make jokes at your expense because getting a laugh matters more than protecting your feelings.
You leave feeling strangely humiliated.
Don’t convince yourself this is insignificant.
Someone who values you doesn’t need to cling to you all evening, but they shouldn’t repeatedly make you feel invisible the moment there’s an audience.
I’ve noticed this behavior tells you a lot about someone’s priorities.
If their personality changes depending on who is watching, pay attention.
Especially when impressing other people repeatedly comes at the cost of making you feel excluded, embarrassed, or unimportant.
8. They tell you that all their exes were crazy
One terrible ex? Completely possible.
Five terrible exes who were apparently all jealous, unstable, obsessive, abusive, and entirely responsible for every relationship ending?
I’d start asking questions.
Listen carefully to how someone talks about people they once claimed to love.
Do they acknowledge any mistakes of their own? Can they explain what they learned? Or are they always the innocent person surrounded by monsters?
Nobody handles every relationship perfectly.
Someone who cannot identify a single thing they could have done differently may have a serious problem with accountability.
And remember something else.
If every person who leaves eventually becomes “crazy” in their story, there’s a very real possibility that one day you’ll leave too.
And suddenly, you’ll become the crazy ex they’re warning the next person about.
9. They punish you when you say no
This is one of the red flags I take most seriously.
Say no to something small and watch what happens.
A healthy person may be disappointed, but they can respect your decision.
An unhealthy person makes you pay for it.
They sulk. Become cold. Withdraw affection. Start an argument. Make you feel guilty. Keep pushing until your “no” becomes a reluctant yes.
That’s not respect.
And if someone can’t handle a small boundary early on, they’re unlikely to become more respectful once the relationship becomes serious.
Your boundaries reveal whether someone sees you as a separate person with your own needs or as someone who should cooperate with whatever they want.
You shouldn’t need courage to say no to someone who claims to care about you.
10. They share other people’s secrets with you
At first, this actually makes you feel special.
Because they’re telling you things they supposedly don’t tell anyone else. You know intimate details about their friend’s marriage, their sibling’s finances, or their ex’s private struggles.
It creates a false sense of closeness.
But ask yourself something very simple.
If they’re comfortable betraying other people’s confidence with you, why would your secrets be treated differently?
I’ve become very cautious around people who constantly bring me private information that isn’t theirs to share.
It shows you what they do when someone trusts them.
And one day, if the relationship turns sour, the vulnerable things you told them may become another story they’re casually telling someone else.
Watch how people handle information that gives them power over another person.
11. They apologize, but their behavior never changes
“I’m sorry.”
Then they do it again.
Another apology.
Then the exact same behavior.
After a while, you realize the apology isn’t leading anywhere.
Real accountability involves change. It means understanding what hurt someone, taking responsibility, and making a genuine effort not to repeat it.
Words without change can simply become a way to reset the relationship so everything can continue as before.
I think this is where many people get stuck.
They keep focusing on how sincere the apology sounded instead of looking at what happened afterward.
Don’t judge remorse only by tears, beautiful messages, promises, or emotional conversations.
Look at the pattern.
Someone who repeatedly hurts you and repeatedly apologizes without changing isn’t making a mistake anymore.
They’re showing you what they’re willing to keep doing.
12. You keep finding yourself making excuses for their behavior
This may be the red flag that brings all the others together.
You notice something uncomfortable, and immediately you explain it away.
They’re stressed.
They’ve been hurt before.
They didn’t mean it like that.
They’re going through a difficult period.
Maybe all of those things are true.
But explanations don’t erase patterns.
I remember how much energy I once spent trying to understand why someone behaved badly instead of asking the much simpler question: How is this behavior affecting me?
Empathy is a beautiful quality, but it can become dangerous when you use it to repeatedly override your own instincts.
You can understand someone’s childhood, trauma, insecurities, and struggles and still decide that the way they’re treating you isn’t acceptable.
13. They repeatedly ignore your boundaries
Setting a boundary once should tell you something about the other person.
Having to defend the exact same boundary again and again tells you even more.
You tell them not to speak to you a certain way, but they keep doing it. You ask them not to show up unannounced, share private information, make jokes at your expense, or pressure you into things you’ve already said no to.
They understand the boundary.
They simply don’t respect it.
I’ve learned that repeated boundary violations are rarely something you should dismiss as a misunderstanding. When you’ve clearly communicated what makes you uncomfortable and someone continues anyway, they’re showing you that what they want matters more to them than your limits.
Someone who cares about you may occasionally make a mistake.
But they won’t keep treating your boundaries like obstacles they’re entitled to push through.
Final thoughts
Red flags don’t always arrive as obvious cruelty.
Sometimes they look like a joke that leaves you feeling small. A boundary they “forgot” again.
A sudden coldness you can’t explain. Or that strange feeling of exhaustion every time you spend time together.
I’ve learned that we get ourselves into trouble when we keep noticing the same behavior but constantly find new reasons to excuse it.
You don’t need to label someone as a terrible person to acknowledge that the way they treat you isn’t healthy.
Pay attention to patterns. Pay attention to how they respond when you say no, when you need support, and when you tell them they’ve hurt you.
Most importantly, pay attention to how you feel around them.
You shouldn’t have to become smaller, quieter, more tolerant, or less yourself just to keep someone in your life.
Sometimes protecting yourself starts with believing the warning signs before they become wounds.