Gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of emotional manipulation, and if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of it, you know how disorienting and frustrating it can be.
A skilled gaslighter doesn’t just lie, they make you question your own reality, your memory, and even your sanity.
I’ve seen so many people struggle with this type of abuse – and well, I’ve been there myself, unfortunately.
It starts subtly, but over time, it can make you doubt yourself in ways you never thought possible.
If you recognize these signs, you’re not crazy. No.
You’re dealing with a skilled gaslighter. Here’s how to spot their tactics before they take full control over your mind.
When You Call Them Out on Something, They Always Manage to Make Everything Your Fault Somehow
A skilled gaslighter never takes responsibility for their actions. Nope. Never.
And you can probably relate if you’re in a relationship woth a gaslighter, or if you’ve ever been in one.
They find a way to flip the situation so that you end up feeling guilty.
For example, if you catch them lying and confront them, they won’t apologize. Instead, they’ll say something like, “If you weren’t so controlling/needy/jealous, I wouldn’t have to lie.”
Or if they insult you and you react, they’ll tell you something like “You’re too sensitive. I was just joking.”
No matter what happens, they find a way to twist the narrative and make you believe you’re actually the problem.
Over time, this can make you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid blame for things that aren’t even your fault.
They Often Deny Things You Know Happened
Gaslighters rely on distorting reality, and one of their favorite tactics is outright denial.
You could remember an event perfectly but if it doesn’t suit their version of events, they’ll act like it never happened.
You might say, “Yesterday, I noticed that a woman, Clara was her name on your phone, called you. I wanted to ask you who that was.”
They’ll immediately respond with something like, “That never happened. You must be confused.”
Over time, these small denials add up, making you second-guess yourself. They want you to start doubting your memory so that you rely on their version of reality instead.
The more they do this, the easier it becomes for them to manipulate you into believing their lies.
They Often Claim Something Happened (But Deep Down, You Know Those Things Never Happened)
On the flip side, a gaslighter won’t just deny real events—they’ll also fabricate ones that never happened. They’ll insist you said or did something you know you didn’t, just to make you feel confused and defensive.
For example, they might say, “You promised me you’d do this for me,” when you know for a fact you never did. Or they’ll claim, “You got really angry last night and embarrassed me,” even though you were perfectly calm.
This tactic is designed to make you question your perception of reality. If you’re constantly being told you did things you know you didn’t do, you start wondering if you’re losing your mind.
They Use Your Words Against You
Gaslighters are master manipulators, and one of their favorite tricks is taking something you’ve said and twisting it beyond recognition.
For example, if you express a concern about their behavior, they’ll throw it back at you: “Oh, so now I’m the bad guy? After everything I’ve done for you?”
Or, if you try to set a boundary, they might say, “Wow, I never knew you were such a selfish person.”
This isn’t just about winning an argument—it’s about making you feel guilty for even standing up for yourself. The goal is to make you hesitate before ever calling them out again.
They Pretend to Forget Important Conversations
Another classic gaslighting move? Selective memory loss.
They pretend they don’t remember promises, discussions, or past agreements—especially when it benefits them.
If you remind them of something they said, they might respond with, “I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.”
And if you insist, they’ll make it seem like you’re being unreasonable for expecting them to remember. And they’ll accuse you of inventing things and being toxic and manipulative.
This is intentional. They want you to feel frustrated and powerless so that you start doubting your own memory instead of questioning their dishonesty.
They Rewrite History to Make Themselves Look Better
Gaslighters have a habit of rewriting past events to make themselves look innocent and you look like the problem.
Even if you have proof of what actually happened, they’ll twist the story to make themselves the victim.
For example, if they were rude to you in front of friends, they’ll later claim, “I was just in a bad mood because of something you said earlier.” Or if they started an argument, they’ll tell people, “I was just trying to have a conversation, but they freaked out for no reason.”
They don’t just lie to you—they lie to others to control the narrative and make sure they always come out looking like the good guy.
They Call You Crazy When You Catch Onto Their Games
One of the most hurtful things a gaslighter does is make you feel like you’re losing your mind. If you start noticing their manipulation and call them out, they won’t try to explain or justify themselves. Instead, they’ll make you the problem.
They might say, “You’re paranoid,” “You always overthink things,” or “You seriously need help.”
By making you feel unstable, they gain even more control over you. The more you question your own sanity, the more dependent you become on their version of events.
They Accuse You of Being Too Emotional
A master manipulator and gaslighter knows that emotions are human and that everyone (except them) have them. So they use this against you by making you feel like your emotions are excessive or irrational.
If you express frustration, sadness, or anger over something they did, they’ll turn it back on you: “You’re overreacting,” “You’re too sensitive,” or “You’re being dramatic.”
Over time, this tactic makes you doubt your own feelings. You start wondering if you’re really the problem, if you’re truly too emotional—when in reality, your reactions are completely valid.
Their goal is to make you suppress your emotions so that you stop calling them out on their behavior.
The best response? Trust yourself. If something feels wrong, it is. Don’t let them convince you that your emotions aren’t real or justified.
They Isolate You from Friends and Family Because This Way It Becomes Easier to Manipulate You
Gaslighters know that the more isolated you are, the easier it is to control you. That’s why they subtly (or not so subtly) work to distance you from the people who truly care about you.
They might start by making small comments about your friends or family, saying things like, “They don’t really support you like I do,” or “They just don’t understand us.”
And after those little sneaky comments, trust me, it escalates very quickly.
Over time, they’ll create conflict between you and your loved ones, making it harder for you to reach out for support. The goal is to make you feel like they’re the only person you can rely on.
Once they’ve cut you off from your support system, it becomes even easier for them to manipulate and gaslight you without anyone calling them out.
If someone in your life is trying to isolate you, take that as a huuuuge red flag. Healthy relationships encourage strong connections with others, not the opposite.
They Project Their Own Behavior Onto You
A skilled gaslighter doesn’t just manipulate reality—they also project their worst traits onto you. If they’re being dishonest, they’ll accuse you of lying.
If they’re emotionally abusive, they’ll insist that you’re the one mistreating them.
This tactic serves two purposes: it puts you on the defensive and distracts you from their actual behavior.
Instead of focusing on what they did, you find yourself explaining why you’re not the problem. It’s a vicious cycle that leaves you feeling frustrated and unheard.
The best way to shut this down? Don’t engage. If they accuse you of something ridiculous, don’t waste your energy defending yourself. Instead, stick to the facts and remove yourself from their game.
They Constantly Shift Their Expectations
No matter how hard you try to meet a gaslighter’s expectations, it’s never enough, because they keep changing the rules.
One day, they’ll say you’re too needy; the next, they’ll claim you don’t care enough. They demand one thing and, when you deliver, suddenly, that’s not what they wanted.
This is intentional. By keeping you in a state of confusion and insecurity, they ensure that you’re always scrambling to please them. It’s a behavior designed to wear you down and make you dependent on their approval.
Recognizing this pattern is the first step to understand the gaslighter (to eventually leave). Stop chasing their ever-changing expectations and focus on what you know to be right.
They Use Passive-Aggressiveness
Gaslighters rarely confront issues directly. What they do instead is use passive-aggressive tactics to make you feel small, inadequate, or guilty.
This can come in the form of backhanded compliments (“Wow, you actually did something nice for me, for once!”), sarcasm disguised as humor, or deliberate procrastination when you ask them for something.
Those behaviors wear down your confidence over time. You start questioning whether you’re overreacting or imagining things. But trust me, you’re not.
If someone regularly puts you down with passive-aggressive behavior, call it out directly…but without getting emotional.
Gaslighters hate it when their tactics are exposed.
Final Thoughts
Gaslighting goes waaay beyond just lying, it’s a way to make you doubt everything until you start second-guessing yourself at every turn.
Skilled gaslighters make it happen so subtly that you don’t even realize it’s happening until the damage is already done.
What I always tell my clients and anyone going through this is that it’s a long-term tactic.
But if you see it for what it is early on, it can’t hurt you. And it can’t damage your confidence.
But again, you need to see it for what it is.
If you recognize these signs, trust yourself. You’re not imagining things, and you’re not the crazy one. The best way to deal with a gaslighter is to stop playing their game. The moment you stop engaging, defending yourself, or seeking their validation, they lose their power over you.
Your reality is yours—don’t let anyone rewrite it for you.