In today’s post we’re going to talk about some important signs your husband isn’t in love with you anymore – and most importantly, what you can do.
We can become so focused on weddings that we often fail to prepare for the marriage part that follows. The “big day” seems to take precedence, and as a society, we can become so focused on engagement rings, wedding rings, and the planning of the wedding celebration that we seem to forget to plan for sharing the rest of our lives with another human being.
We tell ourselves the fairy tales of love conquers all and all you need is love. It’s no wonder the divorce rate is so high.
The sad truth is that love doesn’t, in fact, conquer all, and we need a hell of a lot more than love for a marriage to not only survive but to thrive. I’m speaking from personal experience and from my experience, education, and training as a former mental health therapist.
When I got married, I was so focused on my feelings and desires for the future that I completely overlooked the more glaring issues of long-term compatibility. We’d only briefly covered values, lifestyle, finances, spirituality or religion, and how we’d handle the challenge of pets or children.
This wasn’t an uncommon oversight. Quiz a close friend on their partner, and they might not be able to tell you if the partner in question is pro-spanking or against, if they have a savings account or 401K, or if they even have a budget.
This is how we end up in marriages that just may not be a good fit. Marriage is hard, and while we’d like to think that love is enough and that love is forever, not every marriage will be able to overcome the obstacles ahead.
Signs Your Husband Isn’t in Love with You
Feelings can fade, and it’s possible to end up in a marriage where the husband you chose is no longer in love with you. Here are 11 signs to watch out for:
1. He’s Not Interested in Your Day
A person who is in love with you will be interested in your day. He will want to know how you are and what you’ve been doing. One of the more subtle signs that your husband isn’t in love with you is when he stops asking you about your day or seems to be indifferent when you tell him about it.
Depression, medical concerns, or demanding life issues could also cause him to lose interest. You’ll want to rule out these concerns before jumping to any conclusions, but it’s possible that his lack of interest in you is because he just isn’t in love with you anymore.
2. He Doesn’t Listen When You Speak
Unfortunately, our society has normalized men tuning out women when we speak. This behavior reveals a deep disrespect and disregard for women. As the person he loves, he should be listening when you have something to say. Of course, this could be a sign that he just doesn’t love you.
Despite society’s efforts to give men a pass for not listening, this behavior shouldn’t go unchecked. Each person in a relationship should be respected, valued, and heard. If he never listens to you, he’s likely not in love with you — or has become so disconnected with you that true intimacy feels impossible.
3. He Disregards Your Thoughts and Opinions
You might think you have a great husband because he listens when you speak — but does he respect your thoughts and opinions equally? Disregarding what you contribute is a sure sign that he needs to grow up or address the misogyny in his outlook toward women. Disregarding you could also be a sign that he doesn’t love you.
Remember that first flush of love when it seemed like everything they had to say was dripping in wisdom or insight? That shouldn’t just go away completely. It’s possible he’s taking you for granted, but it’s equally possible that he just doesn’t feel the same way he once did.
Recommended read: 23 Signs of Disrespect in a Relationship and What You Can Do
4. He Makes Decisions That Impact You Without Talking to You
One of the signs that your husband doesn’t love you anymore is that he makes big decisions that impact you without talking to you or considering your feelings. This can commonly occur with financial decisions. Someone who is wrecking your finances without regard to your stability or emotional well-being isn’t showing love.
A person who loves you will talk to you when it comes to making a decision that impacts you. He won’t assume he knows better than you do or decide his needs matter more than yours. If he loves you, he’s not going to put the relationship at risk on an impulse.
5. You No Longer Have Physical Intimacy
A total lack of physical intimacy could indicate a physical or mental health problem that needs to be addressed. There could be an underlying reason for why this has happened. It’s also possible that you simply don’t share the same level of interest.
However, it would be remiss of me not to note that a lack of physical intimacy can also happen when a partner’s feelings for you change. If they are no longer interested in the type of physical closeness you once shared, it’s probable that they aren’t in love with you.
You’ll want to rule out those underlying causes, but it’s a factor to consider all the same.
6. You Fight All the Time
Is love the flipside of hate? I hear that a lot, but I don’t see anything to truly back that up. It often reinforces the idea that strong feelings are a good thing — even when they feel like a bad thing. A partner who fights with you all the time might be showing passion, but it doesn’t mean they’re showing love.
It’s a mistake to interpret all passionate behavior as love. This could easily lend itself to justifying abuse and disrespect. If you’re fighting all the time, it’s not a sign that the love is still strong. It could be a sign that the love has left the building.
Recommended read: 20 Signs Your Husband Doesn’t Value You Anymore
7. You Live Like Roommates, Not Lovers
Has your marriage become a roommate situation? Has romance and intimacy disappeared and left you with a person who simply shares bills and household tasks? Living like roommates instead of lovers is often a sign that the person you’re married to no longer loves you.
Even if you’re in a long-lasting marriage, this doesn’t mean that you have to be become platonic buddies who live together. This is why many marital experts recommend regular date nights.
Just because you’ve lived with them for what seems like forever doesn’t mean you’ve discovered every single possible thing about them. It also doesn’t mean that the relationship hasn’t changed even if you treat it that way.
8. He’s Completely Disconnected from You
Intimacy is so much more than physical. A disconnected partner could be a sign that they no longer love you. The distance you feel in the relationship could indicate that you’ve reached a danger zone.
Think about your marriage. When was the last time you truly connected beyond housework, finances, or parenting? When was the last time you made eye contact or held each other just for the sake of showing love and affection?
Also, when was the last time you shared a passionate kiss or discussed a problem one of you was experiencing? A lack of any connection could be a sign that the love is gone — or will be soon.
9. He’s Not Interested in Working on Relationship Problems
One of the most heartbreaking signs that your husband isn’t in love with you anymore is when he simply isn’t interested in working on the relationship’s problems. You suggest therapy, and he declines.
You want to read a great self-help book to improve your marriage, but he’s not interested. The fact that he’s not even trying to save your marriage or make it better shows that he doesn’t love and value you the way he should.
It’s devastating to want to work on marital problems only to have your partner express a lack of interest or willingness to do so. You cannot save a relationship by yourself. Nor can you save another person. If you’ve reached this point, you may see clearly that love isn’t all you need — and they may not even love you anymore.
Recommended read: 25 Red Flags in Men You Should Look Out For
10. He Barely Spends Time with You
A person who loves you will want to spend time with you. Does this sound like your husband, or is he constantly inventing excuses to be away from you? If he’s not prioritizing time together, you may have dropped off his priority list altogether.
I was never a clingy partner in my marriage, but I noticed that my then-spouse much preferred to spend time alone or with friends. I’m an independent person who values my space, but suddenly, the relationship was all space and little togetherness. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that he no longer loved me. It only took the evidence of my eyes to see all the signs.
11. He Confides in Someone Outside the Relationship, Not You
Let’s be clear: When he confides in someone he’s attracted to, this isn’t “microcheating”. It’s actual cheating and emotional infidelity. Suddenly sharing deeply personal problems with a former lover, an attractive colleague, or someone else you know he would date if he was single could be a sign that he doesn’t love you.
This is especially true if the problem is you. If he’s venting about your marriage to an outside person who you know he has a personal interest in, you should absolutely view this as a cheating behavior. But it could also be confirmation that there isn’t love anymore.
Recommended read: 18 Signs a Man May Be Cheating & What You Should Do
What You Can Do if Your Husband Doesn’t Love You Anymore
Your heart may be breaking right now, or you may be resigned to what you already know is true. The man you stood up and made vows with no longer wants to honor them. If he loves you at all, you can’t tell anymore.
You might be wondering what you should do next. Here are some tips to get you through this challenging time:
Talk to Someone
You need social support in the form of friends and family members, but it’s also a good idea to talk to a counselor or a certified coach about what’s happening.
A professional can help you talk through whether or not your marriage is worth continuing. Even if you choose to stay married, you could use the added support that comes with a mental health therapist.
It may seem as if I often advocate for divorce, but I actually advocate for self-love above all else. Sometimes, when the other person quits trying, the only thing you can do is save yourself. You’re the only one you truly can save. I hope you manage to choose you.
If you stay in the marriage even if he doesn’t love you, I hope you find support and practice self-care. If you choose to divorce, I hope your choices in that process are self-loving. Choosing yourself means taking good care of you no matter what you choose to do in your relationships.
Talk to Your Spouse
No matter how long you’ve been together, it can be challenging to be vulnerable with another person. The signs I’ve mentioned here are all openings for further dialogue. You can’t assume you know what he’s thinking or feeling. You need to ask and open up the door to a conversation.
Don’t start with an accusation. Be curious about what’s going on. Be willing to be vulnerable about how you feel. Ask for what you need, and if you’re not sure about something, seek clarification. This matters, and it will help you determine if your husband is no longer in love with you or if something else is going on.
Marriage isn’t easy. Even people who are extremely compatible can find marriage to be a challenge at times. You wanted to believe that saying “I do” would be enough to carry you both through those challenges. You wanted the love to be the exception to the rule, the kind of love that endures.
If you’re married and your husband just doesn’t love you anymore, there is hope. The hope is this: if your marriage can be salvaged, it likely will be. You might even find that this line of inquiry brings you closer than you’ve ever been before.
If your marriage can’t be saved, it isn’t for you, but a whole world of possibilities could open up once you’re ready to step through it; either way, you have it in you to be happy, to thrive, and to give love where you’re loved in return.