Most toxic relationships don’t start with screaming or insults. They start quietly. With small sneaky comments that make you doubt yourself. With jokes that don’t feel like jokes.
With blame that somehow always falls on you.
Emotional abuse can be hard to spot, especially when the person hurting you is someone you care about. I’ve been there too. And I know how easy it is to second-guess everything.
But the truth is, real love doesn’t leave you feeling anxious, confused, frustrated, invalidated, unheard or small. It doesn’t twist your words or make you feel crazy.
If any of this feels familiar, this article is for you. Let’s break down the subtle signs that your partner might be toxic and emotionally abusive.
Subtle Signs Your Partner Is Toxic and Emotionally Abusive
They provoke you and then ask you to calm down
Toxic people are experts at pushing your buttons. They know exactly what to say or do to get under your skin. Then, when you finally react, because let’s be honest, you’re human and anyone would react, they look at you and say, “Calm down,” or “Why are you so emotional?” as if you’re the problem.
It’s a trick. They do it so they can feel in control while making you question your own reactions. It’s emotionally abusive because it messes with your self-esteem.
You start wondering if you’re really being too sensitive, if you’re being the toxic one…when the truth is, they created that chaos on purpose.
A healthy partner doesn’t poke at your insecurities and then shame you for reacting. If this keeps happening, it’s a huge red flag.
They never admit their mistakes
Everyone messes up sometimes. But when someone never admits they’re wrong, no matter what, it’s a sign something’s off.
Instead of saying, “I was wrong,” or “I shouldn’t have said that,” or simply “I’m sorry for what I said before,” they’ll double down, deny, or even twist the story to make it seem like their actions were totally justified.
This creates a toxic dynamic where you start questioning your own memory and feelings. You might end up apologizing for things they did, just to keep the peace.
In healthy relationships, people take accountability. They own their actions and try to make things right. Constant denial is a quiet, subtle form of emotional abuse, it erodes trust and makes real communication impossible.
They always shift the blame on you
Blame-shifting is one of the most frustrating things I’ve ever experienced. My ex did this like…always. No matter what happened, somehow it was always my fault.
If they forgot to do something, they’d say, “Well, you should have reminded me.”
If they were in a bad mood, they’d say, “You’re making things worse,” or “You ruined my day.” It didn’t matter what the issue was, they never took responsibility.
Over time, this makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You end up overthinking everything you say or do, just to avoid getting blamed.
But the truth is, a healthy partner owns their part. If your partner always finds a way to make it about you, that’s emotional manipulation.
They play the victim
Toxic partners love flipping the script. You bring up something that hurt you, and instead of listening, they say, “I can’t believe you think that about me,” or “You’re making me feel terrible.”
Suddenly, they become the victim. Even though you’re the one who was hurt. This is done to shut you down. It makes you feel guilty for expressing your needs or setting boundaries.
I’ve seen this happen in many relationships (many times) and it always leads to the same result: the actual issue gets ignored, and you’re left feeling confused and silenced.
Trust me on this: if someone always plays the victim, they’re not going to change. At least it’s very unlikely.
They triangulate
Triangulation is when someone brings a third person into the relationship to create insecurity or jealousy. They might say something like, “Well, my ex never had a problem with that,” or, “Even my friend agrees you’re overreacting.”
It’s subtle, but it cuts deep. It makes you question your own feelings and wonder if you’re the problem.
In fact, it makes you feel like the problem.
And that’s exactly what they want. They want you to compete for their approval, and they use other people as tools to control you.
If your partner constantly compares you to others or drags third parties into private issues, it’s not just normal, it’s emotionally and psychologically abusive.
They say “you’re too sensitive” or “you’re exaggerating things”
When someone hurts you, it’s their job to listen and understand. But a toxic partner will often brush off your feelings by saying things like, “You’re too sensitive,” or “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
This is invalidating and emotionally abusive. It teaches you to distrust your own feelings. You start staying quiet just to avoid being dismissed or made fun of.
Years ago, I was in a relationship like this. I started questioning everything I felt. I felt small. And that’s exactly what they wanted.
In a loving relationship, your feelings matter, always, even when your partner doesn’t fully understand them.
They joke about your insecurities
A toxic partner will make “jokes” about the very things you’ve told them hurt you. Then, when you get upset, they’ll say, “It was just a joke, come on lighten up.”
But it’s not funny. It’s a way to poke at your weak spots while pretending they’re just being playful. Over time, these “jokes” chip away at your confidence.
A kind partner would protect your insecurities, not use them as a punchline.
They make you feel like you have to earn their love
In a healthy relationship, love is consistent. But with a toxic partner, love feels like a reward you get only when you do everything right. When you mess up, even just a little, they become cold, distant, or cruel.
Some toxic partners even enjoy doing this, so they punish you on purpose. Hoping you’ll beg for their forgiveness or approval.
And yes, that’s sick and twisted.
You start feeling like you’re constantly failing. Like you have to perform perfectly just to be treated kindly.
Love shouldn’t feel like a test. If your partner’s affection comes and goes based on how “good” you are, that’s not love, it’s control.
You always feel like the “crazy” one
Toxic partners are masters at gaslighting. They make you question your memory, your reactions, even your sanity.
If you get upset, they say you’re overreacting. If you try to talk things out, they call you dramatic. If you remember something clearly, they insist it didn’t happen that way.
You begin to wonder if you’re the problem. You’re not.
If your partner constantly makes you doubt your own mind, that’s emotional abuse. And it’s time to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
If you recognize more than one of these signs in your relationship, it’s worth paying attention. You deserve love that’s steady, kind, and safe. Never let anyone make you feel like you’re too much, or not enough, for simply asking to be treated with respect.