In today’s post we are going to give you some tips on how to start a conversation with a girl and we are also going to cover some great icebreakers.
You see her across the room. Let’s forget about the story you’re already forming in your head and the assumptions you’re making about who she is and what she wants for her life.
Instead, let’s highlight the way everything seems to come into sharper focus. The colors are brighter, the taste of the beverage you’re sipping seems better, and you might even hear music where there is none.
This is your moment, and you want to bring main character energy to it.
But how? How do you start a conversation with a girl or woman you’re interested in getting to know better?
How to Start a Conversation with a Girl
Let’s just get this out of the way before we go any further.
You might have been eye-banging her from across the room, which is a whole other issue for a different article entirely, but you’ll want to approach her with the same respect you would extend to any human being.
Say hello. Introduce yourself. Do whatever you would do for an introduction if this person was someone you were just interested in befriending.
Even if you’re interested in an intimate or romantic relationship, starting with respect is sure to get her attention more than moving in with a cheesy line or disrespectful comment. Keep respect in mind no matter what you say or do next.
It shouldn’t have to be said, but if you wouldn’t want someone saying that to your mother, daughter, sister, or best female friend, don’t say it to this woman who did nothing to you but catch your eye while minding her own business.
Lead with Confidence
When it comes to start a conversation with a girl, you need to show confidence.
Forget self-deprecating remarks. Whoever suggested that as a lead-in has no idea what they’re talking about.
It’s not cute to put yourself down, and you might think you’re showing a sense of humor when you’re actually displaying low self-esteem.
When you approach her, lead with confidence.
Approach with a friendly smile as if you are happy to meet her, not as if you’re waiting to be shot down.
You don’t want her to give out her number out of pity — and she probably won’t anyway — but you do want to show that you’re a secure and confident person who is interested in getting to know her better.
Recommended read: How to Act and Look Confident: 9 Habits That Can Change You
Notice Something About Her (That’s Not Physical)
When you approach this woman you want to chat up, notice something about her that isn’t physical.
Whatever physical quality you’ve noticed, you can be sure other interested people have pointed it out to her before. Instead, notice something else about her.
Is she reading a book? What is she reading? Just as a side note, readers often hate to be interrupted, so if she keeps turning her attention back to the page, leave her alone.
Is she wearing a shirt or other accessory that indicates a fandom or favorite sports team? If you’re in a class together, this is made simple by the fact that you either have the same interests or are taking the same required courses.
Try to find common ground. If you can’t find any, find something that she’s into and ask her about that.
Don’t Take Yourself So Seriously
I’m serious when I say not to lead with self-deprecating remarks, but don’t take yourself so seriously either. This isn’t life or death.
You can shoot your shot, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to score. Take it with a grain of salt, and just have fun getting to know this person.
Lead with a joke if you like. She’ll either get your sense of humor, or she won’t. Either way, you’ll learn something about her.
If you completely embarrass yourself and do something awkward, it’s okay to laugh at what a total nerd you are as long as you do it in a way that doesn’t make you seem like you have no self-esteem.
If you’re not sure of the difference, try out your humor on friends and ask for honest advice.
Let’s be honest. Do you really want to know her as a person, or do you want something from her? Are you looking for a bedroom partner or just someone you can take to parties to show off?
Is what you really need a therapist, not a lover? Be honest with yourself and curious about what it is you really want. It’ll make a difference in the interaction.
Then, be curious about her. Despite whatever narrative you’re likely already spinning, she’s her own person with her own interests. Don’t assume you know her.
Get to know her. Ask about her interests and personality. Don’t try to fit her into a box because she’s a person you just met, and she deserves the freedom to be herself and be liked as-is and not as-you-wish-she-was.
See the difference?
You need to be yourself, too.
Putting on a fake persona or trying to be outgoing when you’re a total introvert never works.
Either you’ll come across as inauthentic, or she’ll figure out later that you were pretending from the start. Lies, even the so-called white ones, aren’t the best way to start a relationship.
You might be surprised at how effective it is to be yourself. People who aren’t a good fit for you won’t be interested.
But people who love all the quirky things about you will be drawn toward you.
You’ll make more genuine connections when you stop trying to be what they want and instead learn to be comfortable with being who you are.
Your authenticity will also make it a safe space for this person to be her most authentic self, too.
Don’t Take Rejection Personally
You might start up a conversation with a girl and feel offended when she’s not into you. Don’t do that. She might be somewhere else on the LGBTQ+ spectrum.
She might be in a relationship; she might be coming out of a relationship and not interested in dating. Or, she might think you’re not a good fit for what she wants.
Stop taking it personally, getting offended, and trying to persuade people who aren’t interested in dating you to change their minds.
Start realizing that a fit isn’t right just because you are interested in it. Relationships take two — more in a polyamory situation — and you cannot be interested enough to make up for someone else’s lack of interest.
Accept her decision with grace. Be kind.
Imagine what it would be like if you were approached by someone you didn’t want to date and try to have compassion for how hard it is for her to reject you.
10 Easy Conversation Openers
If you still feel stuck on what to say, you’ll want to avoid the tried-but-true and incredibly cheesy “Come here often?”.
Instead, try these 10 easy conversation openers.
“Hey. How’s that drink?”
Is it a little lame? Yes. Could it work? Of course. If they’re drinking wine or eating an appetizer, ask what they think about it. It’s not the most fascinating conversation opener, but if she’s even a little interested, it will give her an excuse to talk to you, too.
“How do you know the host?”
This is a great introduction for parties and events. Figuring out the connection could yield a lot of information.
This is a classic for a reason. Have you considered just saying “hi” and introducing yourself? It could be all the intro you need to get a conversation going.
“This place is (insert adjective here).”
Commenting on the venue can be a great way to break the ice. If you’re at a crowded kids’ birthday party, you can always talk about the chaos. At a park or outdoor space? There’s the weather and/or scenery.
“You have a great smile.”
Compliment her. Pick a compliment that’s appropriate and respectful. It’s an open door to a conversation.
“Have you read anything interesting lately?”
This can be a good way to start a conversation with a person you’ve already met but don’t know well.
“I just finished (insert show here). Have you streamed anything good lately?”
If you want to find common ground, you can always start with what you’ve been binge-watching lately. People love recommending their favorite shows, and it can provide an open door to getting to know her better.
“I can’t believe how cold it’s been this week!”
Yes, weather talk can feel silly, but it’s an easy way to get a response. Commenting on unusual heat, cold, rain, or even snow can be an introduction to other conversational topics.
If your weather has been perfect, you can always say something about how much you’re enjoying it rather than leading with a complaint.
“Can I help with that?”
If you see someone struggling with a door or something else, ask if you can help. Don’t assume and jump in. Instead, make sure it’s okay. This will help her feel safer, but it also shows you’re paying attention.
“Are you from this area?”
You’ll want to be careful how you word this, but you can ask if someone grew up in the area or if they are a recent transplant. It can be a good way to find out more about them, and you can even share your own origins.
The Playing Field Isn’t Even
Frankly, think of how scary it can be for any woman to reject a man. The world isn’t equal no matter how much conservative talking heads would like to say otherwise.
Just select a murder documentary to stream, and you’ll see that the primary victim tends to be women.
This is why women might ghost you or try to soften the blow by rejecting you nicely. Also, if she’s really blunt and seems mean, it could be that same sense of self-protection where she doesn’t want you to get the wrong idea.
Women get raped, stalked, harassed, and murdered enough that we have to think about that before we say, “no, thank you, I’m not interested.”
You’re worried about getting your feelings hurt?
We’re worried about ending up in a shallow grave or getting shouted at in a public place by an insecure man with entitlement issues. Either one is likely something we’d like to avoid.
There Are More Fish in the Sea
One woman’s rejection doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of what you want. It just means you asked, and she answered.
You have the right to feel interested.
She has the right to be disinterested. Don’t waste any more time imagining what might have been.
There are a ridiculous amount of people in the world. Maybe you need to widen your net to a larger area. Maybe you need to change up what you’re doing to meet different kinds of people.
And maybe you need to stop being on the hunt to the extent that it scares off the women you might like to date. Most people can sense desperation and even codependent behavior.
Stop worrying about this one woman who might not be into you and remember that the right person is out there.
The Next Step If She’s into You
If she’s receptive to your conversation and interested in getting to know you better, don’t worry about trying to play it cool. Ask her if she’d like to get coffee or meet you for dinner.
Text her when you’re thinking about her, and don’t get anxious if you don’t get an immediate response. Let the relationship unfold organically.
Don’t try to play hard to get. Instead, let her know that you like her. In fact, it’s helpful if you tell her your intentions from the start.
If you’re only interested in casual encounters, be clear. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, you should let her know that. And if she seems interested, don’t pretend to want what she wants.
Let her know what you would like to pursue so that she can decide if that is a good fit for her.
The Start of Something New
Your meet-cute could be the story that is told at your wedding or to your grandkids, or it could be that nightmare story you roll out at parties to make your friends laugh and be glad they aren’t you.
Either way, approaching someone you like is bound to be interesting. If you don’t approach her, you might always wonder what might have been.
Skip the cheesy lines and look at it as a chance to get to know someone new. It might lead to a fun or fascinating conversation, a new friendship, or even the relationship you’ve been hoping to find.
You’ll never know unless you take that leap. Stop covertly looking at her from across the room.
It’s time to walk over and say hello.
Photo by Jenny Ueberberg on Unsplash