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How to Talk to Girls on Tinder: 11 Tips from a Former Therapist

In this post we are going to talk about how to talk to girls on Tinder and start pleasant conversations with them.

While Tinder has often had a reputation for being a hookup site, there are many people still dating and finding relationships there.

No matter why you find yourself on Tinder, there are some pretty general rules of thumb when it comes to talking to women you connect with there.

Because Tinder has a swipe left or right for interest setup, you’ll only match with others who showed interest, which automatically gets you a foot in the door.

If nothing else, you know that she either finds you attractive or found your bio entertaining. 

Before you start with a low energy “hey”, consider these tips for talking to women on Tinder. 

11 Tips to Help You Talk to Girls on Tinder

Here’s some useful advice to help you talk to girls on Tinder and start interesting conversations.

1. Read the Bio She’s Written

Whatever you do, don’t skip reading her bio before starting a conversation on Tinder.

Many women will talk about what they’re looking for, display what they do for a living, and even give out some deal breakers.

One of the most annoying things that happen to me is being asked what I do for a living when my work is clearly displayed on my profile. Frankly, it’s just lazy.

More than that, you might find out that however attracted you might be, she might not be a good match. If you read the bio, you might get a clue that you’re not on the same page.

At the same time, you might discover that you seem compatible.

Don’t ask a question her bio could have answered.

2. Compliment Without Being Creepy

Compliments are wonderful but try to avoid being creepy or lazy.

“Hey, beautiful” is so common that it might fly completely under her radar.

Offer a compliment, but don’t make it awkward or sexual, and definitely don’t engage in “negging” where you offer a backhanded compliment designed to both insult and flatter. That never works. 

While complimenting her pictures seems like a great start, when in doubt, don’t do it. For instance, someone started a conversation letting me know I looked like a MILF.

While it was meant to be flattering, it’s actually an offensive term to many women.

It certainly broke the ice but perhaps not in the way it was intended. 

3. Find Shared Interests

If you’re checking out her bio and pictures, you’re likely to come across some inkling of her interests. See if the two of you have any shared ones.

Ask about any potential mutual interests you noticed, but also tell her about your interests and see if she’s tried them.

Sometimes, people just aren’t compatible, and no one is at fault. Figuring out if your lifestyles, values, and interests align shouldn’t be about trying to force a fit but trying to find one instead.

4. Be Honest

When it comes to talk to girls on Tinder, this point is more important than you think.

Why are you really on Tinder? Don’t tell her what you think she wants to hear. Be honest.

If you want a hookup only, be clear.

If you’d like to find a serious relationship soon and start a family, be specific.

She’ll either want the same thing or she won’t and lying about what you actually want isn’t going to make either of you happy in the long run.

I’ve been approached with many interesting propositions. While I didn’t return the interest, I did appreciate the upfront nature of the inquiries.

I would rather get that out of the way from the start than waste my time talking to someone who is only looking for hookups and would never be available or interested in a more committed relationship.

Added to that, honesty is important. Lies, no matter how small, show that you can’t be trusted. 

Recommended read: 10 Best Conversation Starters for Tinder (or Bumble) That Will Help You Stand Out

5. Don’t Complain About Exes

Save complaints about exes for your friends, not potential partners.

There’s little worse than meeting a new man online and having to hear about how his ex was the absolute worst.

First of all, I belong to the sisterhood of women, and I’ve been the “absolute worst ex” to some man who was lying.

I won’t automatically believe that story, especially if you never say just how you were accountable in the relationship.

If it was all her fault, I’m sensing some major red flags — not to mention a dire need for therapeutic intervention.

If someone joins in an ex-lovers complaint fest, understand that starting with that low vibe may be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Whatever you say about your exes may be the stories you later tell about each other.

It’s okay to be honest about why you broke up or the fact that you have a past but keep complaining about exes to an absolute minimum whenever possible.

6. Be Authentic

Who are you, really? If you don’t know, you probably shouldn’t be trying to date quite yet.

If you know who you are, do you have the courage to show up as that person even when someone attractive mentions wanting something else? Be authentic.

Don’t try to pretend to be someone you’re not. 

The truth always comes out, and if you pretend to be someone you’re not and she falls for you, she’s going to feel deep betrayal when she realizes the person she fell in love with never actually existed.

So, stop telling girls and women what you think we want to hear, and start being yourself.

The right person will love you for exactly who you are. The wrong person never will.

7. Don’t Put Yourself Down

There’s a difference between self-deprecating humor and making yourself the punchline of every joke.

Putting yourself down isn’t attractive, and it only displays your low self-esteem and need for external validation.

It’s the equivalent of digging for compliments, and it can be awkward for the other person involved.

Making references to your insecurities only makes you seem insecure. It might not be the best conversation to have when you’re just getting to know each other.

Everyone has insecurities — not just men.

Confidence is attractive. Insecurity is often a turn-off.

8. Use Humor

If you have a sense of humor, why not using it to start a conversation on Tinder?

Try out a little banter if you’ve got the right vibe for it. Make a joke if you have one.

As long as your humor isn’t inappropriate to the conversation, it could go a long way.

I have a great sense of humor, but there is little more that annoys me than someone accusing me of not having a sense of humor because I didn’t find an offensive joke funny.

Just because we don’t have the same sense of humor doesn’t mean I don’t have one. It just might mean that you weren’t playing to your target audience. Keep that in mind. 

Not everyone will see things the same way you will, so if your humor is far from politically correct, read the room. It’s actually possible to be funny and not be offensive at all.

When in doubt, keep it to yourself.

9. Pace Yourself

Healthy women don’t want to be love bombed. Someone who tries to rush us into a relationship isn’t going to look like an attractive candidate but a big red flag. Just pace yourself.

There’s no need to start planning the future when you haven’t even met just yet or have met and are only starting to get to know each other.

At the same time, try not to move at a snail’s pace either. Dating apps are inundated with options. If she can’t gauge your interest, she might be back to swiping for better potential options.

Have some conversation, but then make a move to meet either by video or in person. 

Allow the relationship, if there is to be one, to develop naturally without trying to rush ahead to the “next step”. This will give you both time to see if you’re a good fit. 

10. Be Curious, Not Judgmental

When you start a conversation on Tinder, remember this: try being curious about her rather than judgmental.

Ask her about herself and her interests as if you’re actually interested, not as if you’re checking that question off a list.

Instead of turning a dating app interaction into an interview, be curious about each other.

There are no right and wrong answers — just right and wrong for you.

With that being said, don’t make fun of someone’s interests, tell them they’re wrong for what they want, or otherwise invalidate what they’re telling you.

Just because it isn’t the right fit for you doesn’t mean they aren’t a good person.

Keep things curious and light rather than trying to discover if everyone you meet is your soulmate. 

11. Be Kind

Above all things, when you talk to girls on Tinder, be kind, always.

Even in the face of rejection, be kind. Kindness matters, and it’s reflective of your character and values. While rejection might hurt your feelings, try to take it with grace.

When you’re communicating with women on Tinder, just be kind.

Note that I didn’t say “nice”. There’s a big difference. Women have had enough of “nice guys”.

Healthy women who date men are looking for kind men, not nice ones. 

When You Get Discouraged, Remember…

  • Not everyone is for you.
  • You can both be perfectly good people and still not be compatible.
  • Attraction and chemistry are important, but you still need to be on the same page about what you want.
  • There really are plenty of fish in the sea; keep swimming.
  • Absorb the lessons, not the rejection. Let it make you better.

Talking to girls on Tinder doesn’t have to be difficult. Treat every woman you encounter like any other person — with respect and kindness.

Even if it doesn’t work out, you can at least refuse to be part of the problem.

Photo by Amirhosain Gazor on Unsplash

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