People who fake empathy are the hardest to spot, because they don’t seem toxic at first. In fact, they often come across as thoughtful, warm, emotionally intelligent… even nurturing.
But something always feels a little off.
You might find yourself confused after conversations, doubting your reactions, or feeling guilty for noticing the red flags.
That’s because narcissists who pretend to be empathic are masters of emotional manipulation. In fact…they’re the best.
They know exactly how to sound caring while slowly and subtly twisting the truth.
If you’ve ever felt emotionally drained by someone who claims to “just want to help,” this article is for you.
1. They Ask a Lot of Questions, But Only to Control the Conversation
At first, they seem genuinely interested in your life. They ask personal questions, listen intently, even nod like they care. But give it time, and you’ll notice a pattern. They’re not trying to understand you, they’re gathering intel.
They’ll use your answers to steer the conversation, flip the narrative, or weaponize your vulnerabilities later.
It’s not empathy. It’s strategy.
Real empathy creates space. Fake empathy invades it, all while smiling sweetly. If you walk away from a “deep” talk feeling exposed, drained, or unsure, pay attention. That’s not connection. That’s manipulation.
2. They Mirror Your Emotions, But Only When It Benefits Them
They’re experts at matching your tone, your energy, even your wounds. It feels like you’ve met someone who finally gets you. But that mirroring isn’t compassion, it’s a tactic.
They know how to reflect just enough emotion to make you trust them. To make you open up.
But when it’s time to support you? They vanish. Or worse, they make it about them.
Empathy isn’t copying someone’s pain. It’s about caring enough to hold it. These people mimic feelings they don’t actually have. And when they’re done using your story…they toss it.
3. They Say the Right Words, But Their Actions Never Match
They talk like a therapist. Validate your feelings. Say all the “right” things, until you need them to show up for real.
That’s when the mask slips. Their behavior is cold, inconsistent, or downright selfish.
But they’ll still sound empathic. They’ll apologize perfectly. They’ll say things like “I just want you to feel safe,” even while doing the exact opposite.
Words are easy. Narcissistic people use language like camouflage.
True empathy lives in follow-through.
If someone’s behavior never matches their words, stop listening to what they say. Watch what they do.
Recommended read: 11 Signs Someone Is Not a Good Person, Even If They Seem Charming
4. They Play the Victim When You Set Boundaries
The moment you protect your energy, they crumble. Suddenly, they’re “hurt,” “disappointed,” or “confused by your coldness.” They were just trying to be there for you, remember?
This is their favorite trick: turning your boundary into an attack on them.
A truly empathic person respects your limits, even if they don’t understand them. But narcissistic people? They act wounded, flip the script, and guilt-trip you into staying small.
You’ll end up comforting them for your own discomfort. That’s not empathy. That’s emotional blackmail in disguise.
5. They Use “Empathy” to Gain Access, Not Intimacy
They don’t want to connect. They want to infiltrate.
At first, it feels like emotional closeness. They open up, seem vulnerable, and act like they’ve finally found someone who “gets” them. You bond fast. Too fast.
But it’s not intimacy. It’s their way to gain power and control over you.
Needless to say…The more you reveal, the more control they’ll have.
Later, they’ll use your secrets to guilt you, gaslight you, or tear you down.
Empathy isn’t a weapon. But in the hands of a narcissist, it becomes one.
Fast emotional bonding isn’t always real. Sometimes, it’s a trap.
6. They Apologize… Without Ever Taking Responsibility
You’ll hear a lot of “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Or “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but…” Or the classic: “That wasn’t my intention.”
They’re sorry, just never for what they actually did.
This is their game. Apologize just enough to keep you around, but never enough to admit fault. They twist your hurt into a misunderstanding, and your pain becomes your responsibility.
True empathy involves accountability. Narcissistic empathy avoids it at all costs.
If someone’s apology makes you feel worse, not better, you’re not with an empath.
You’re with a manipulator.
Recommended read: 12 Signs Someone Is a Narcissist, Even If They Seem Charming at First
7. They Always Find a Way to Make It About Them
Even in your darkest moments, they somehow become the main character.
You could be grieving, struggling, falling apart, and they’ll swoop in with a story about how they once went through something even worse. Or how your pain is affecting them.
They hijack your feelings. They center themselves in your suffering. And then they act like they’re helping you by being “emotionally present.”
But showing up isn’t the same as taking over.
Empathy means letting someone else be the focus. Narcissists can’t handle that. Not even for five minutes.
8. They “Rescue” You Just to Hold It Over Your Head Later
They’ll do something nice for you, give advice, offer support, maybe even help in a crisis, and at first, you’re grateful. But later? They remind you. Subtly. Repeatedly. Like you owe them now.
Empathic people give because they care. Narcissists give to gain leverage. They keep score. And when you finally try to stand up for yourself, they’ll hit you with, “After everything I’ve done for you?”
Helping isn’t kindness when it comes with strings. It’s manipulation wrapped in a bow. If someone’s generosity feels like a future guilt trip…run!
9. They Act Deeply “Misunderstood” to Avoid Criticism
Every time you bring up an issue or express your feelings, they say you’ve misunderstood them. Or that you’re being too sensitive. Or that they “just think differently” because they’re not like other people.
They make empathy sound like a burden, as if they feel too much, too deeply, too intensely, which conveniently gives them an excuse to never take feedback. Or change.
This faux vulnerability keeps you off balance. But real empathy welcomes reflection. If someone uses their “sensitive soul” as a shield against accountability, it’s not depth. It’s deflection.