Ever felt like every time you try to bring up a problem with a narcissist, you somehow end up being the bad guy? Like you’re the one apologizing, even though they started it?
I’ve been there, many times. And now, from experience, I can tell you this: that’s not random. It’s a pattern. And it’s one they use on purpose to confuse and manipulate you.
Narcissists use sneaky psychological traps to twist reality and make you the villain. The goal? To keep control, avoid accountability, and wear you down.
If you’ve ever walked away from an argument feeling confused, emotionally exhausted, angry, or guilty without knowing why, this article is for you.
Let’s break down exactly how they do it, so next time, you’ll see it coming.
Why listen to me? I’m Sira Mas and I’m a relationship coach. I write about self-improvement, love, dating and psychology. My work has been featured on large publications such as Mamamia, Plenty of Fish, Ladders, Entrepreneur and Thrive Global.
They provoke you somehow
It often starts with something subtle. A sarcastic comment, a disrespectful tone, or even a silent, dismissive look.
Narcissists know exactly how to push your buttons without making it obvious to anyone else.
They do this to get a reaction from you. That’s the trap. Because once you react, especially emotionally, they can use it against you. Suddenly you’re “the one causing drama.”
What they don’t want you to see is that they’re the ones who started it. That little dig or passive-aggressive move? It was intentional.
It’s how they set the stage to play the victim later. I mean, you probably already know it: it’s their modus operandi.
They talk over you
Trying to have a calm discussion with a narcissist is almost impossible. The moment you start making a valid point, they interrupt. They raise their voice, talk over you, or completely change the subject.
This isn’t accidental. It’s meant to frustrate, confuse you and throw you off.
And when you eventually raise your voice just to be heard? They accuse you of yelling and overreacting.
They make it seem like you’re the one out of control, when in reality, they never gave you space to speak in the first place.
They shift the focus of the conversation on how you’re reacting
Let’s say you bring up something that hurt you. Something important. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, the narcissist focuses on how you’re saying it.
“You’re too emotional.” “Why are you raising your voice?” “You always overreact.” “See? You love to criticize me.”
Suddenly, the issue isn’t their toxic behavior, it’s your tone, your timing, your feelings.
This tactic is meant to derail the conversation and make you feel like you need to apologize.
It’s a classic way to avoid accountability while keeping control.
They challenge your memory
This is one of the most damaging traps. You bring up something that happened, something they said or did, and they flat-out deny it.
“That never happened.” “You’re remembering it wrong.” “You always twist things.”
Over time, you start to question your own mind. You start wondering, “Did I imagine it? Am I really being unfair?” or…”Am I being the toxic one here?”
This is how narcissists chip away at your confidence and your sense of reality. It’s gaslighting, and it’s one of their favorite tools.
They claim you’re inventing or twisting things
Even when you clearly remember what was said or done, narcissists will insist you’re twisting their words or inventing things out of thin air.
For example, this happened to me when I tried to explain better my point of view. The response I got every time? “See? You’re changing things now, this is not what you said before!”
(Of course not, I’m trying to paraphrasing or adding more details to better explain my point of view, so that we can fix things).
This tactic is used to invalidate your truth. If they can make you doubt yourself, they win. And if they can get others to doubt you too, even better.
They’ll call you dramatic. Accuse you of exaggerating. Say you’re being unfair.
All to avoid owning what they did…and to paint themselves as the reasonable one in the room.
They play the victim and guilt trip you
The moment you try to call out their behavior, they flip the script. Always.
Now they’re the one who’s hurt. They’ll say things like:
“I can’t believe you think I’d do that.” “You’re making me feel like a bad person.” “You always attack me.”
They want you to back off and feel guilty. And if you do, the original issue never gets resolved.
This is how they keep the spotlight off their behavior and avoid accountability. By making you feel bad for even bringing it up.
Sounds familiar?
They stonewall you
Once they’ve turned things around on you, they might go silent. No replies, no answers, just cold distance. They don’t listen to you.
They walk away and go to another room. And close the door.
This is called stonewalling, and it’s meant to punish you. They want you to feel anxious, guilty, or desperate to be listened to.
It’s a control tactic, plain and simple.
And it works, especially if you care about them and want to fix things.
Especially if what you have to say is important.
But remember: emotionally mature people don’t punish you with silence for speaking your truth. They want to listen to your point of view and make things right.
Related read: How to Make a Narcissist Miserable
When you tell them the logical truth, they laugh at you and invalidate what you’re saying
You might come to them with clear facts. Calm logic. A real effort to work things out. But instead of engaging, they laugh at you.
They act like what you’re saying is ridiculous.
That’s because they feel threatened by your logic. Deep down…or not so deep down, they know you’re right.
If you make sense, and they don’t want to take responsibility, the easiest thing to do is mock you. And to invalidate what you’re saying.
It’s belittling. And it’s designed to confuse you. But don’t let that reaction fool you: the moment they start laughing at your truth is the moment you know they feel threatened by it.
How to outsmart them at their own game
The first step? Don’t take the bait. If they provoke you, don’t react emotionally. Stay calm. Quiet. Focused.
I know, it’s sooo difficult. I’ve been there so many times. But if you manage to stay calm and avoid any emotional reaction, you stay in control.
Second, keep the spotlight on their behavior, not your reaction. If they say, “You’re overreacting,” respond with, “Let’s stay on the real issue here.”
When they try to twist your words or deny what happened, stick to what you know. Say, “I remember exactly what happened. I’m not here to argue about that.”
And most importantly: don’t argue to win. Speak to protect your peace. If you feel like you’re going in circles, step away. You’re not weak for walking away, you’re strong for choosing your sanity.
You don’t need to prove anything to someone who’s only trying to confuse you. Let them spin their web. You don’t have to be part of it.
Narcissists are experts at twisting reality to protect their ego. But once you recognize the traps, you can stop falling into them.
It’s not your job to fix them.
Your only job is to protect your peace. And to walk away.