If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, you’ve probably noticed how they often cause drama between people on purpose. In fact, they absolutely love it.
So, how do they do it exactly?
Well, they create tension, and put people against each other. This is called triangulation, and it’s one of their favorite manipulation tactics.
I’ve been there years ago and it was emotionally exhausting. I didn’t know what was happening and I ended up believing I was the problem.
And triangulation is meant to do exactly that: make you feel insecure, unworthy of love, compete for the narcissist’s approval, or doubt your own reality.
It keeps them in control while you’re left feeling confused, jealous, and extremely insecure.
What Is Exactly Triangulation?
Triangulation happens when a narcissist brings a third person into the dynamic to manipulate or control you. Instead of communicating directly, they use someone else, real or imaginary, to create jealousy, or competition.
This can take many forms. Sometimes, they’ll praise someone else to make you feel inadequate.
Other times, they’ll create fake conflict between you and another person just to watch the chaos.
The goal is always the same: to keep you emotionally off balance and dependent on their validation.
So, if you recognize the following signs, you’re probably being manipulated through triangulation.
They Talk About How Someone Has Been Kind to Them Lately
Narcissists love making comparisons. One way they do this is by casually mentioning how someone else has been kind to them lately.
They’ll say things like, “It’s so refreshing to finally be around someone who really understands me,” or “So-and-so has been so supportive. It’s nice to feel appreciated.”
At first, it might seem harmless. But the underlying message is clear: you are not as kind, supportive, or understanding as this other person. They want you to feel insecure and work harder to gain their approval.
This is classic triangulation. They’re subtly putting pressure on you to compete for their attention, making you feel like you need to prove your worth.
They Mention How Someone Has Helped Them with Something You Couldn’t Help Them With
Another way narcissists use triangulation is by pointing out how someone else stepped up in a way you supposedly didn’t.
They might say something like, “Oh, my coworker helped me figure this out. I guess they just get me.”
They want you to feel inadequate, like you’re not doing enough for them. This creates a sense of competition—maybe if I try harder, they’ll appreciate me more.
The truth? It’s not about appreciation. It’s about control. By making you feel like someone else is “doing better,” they manipulate you into constantly proving yourself to them…And doing what they need you to do.
If You Set a Boundary, They Mention This Other Person (Who Apparently Didn’t Set That Same Boundary)
Narcissists hate boundaries. If you try to enforce one, they’ll often bring up someone else who didn’t set the same limit.
For example, if you tell them you need space, they might respond with, “Well, Sarah never has a problem with me calling her late at night.”
Or if you refuse to lend them money, they’ll say, “John had no issue helping me out.”
This is meant to make you feel guilty, unreasonable, or selfish. It’s a manipulation tactic to wear you down and make you question your own boundaries. A healthy person respects limits—a narcissist uses them against you.
They Play the Victim and Make You the “Bad Guy” While Praising Someone Else
If a narcissist wants to manipulate you into feeling guilty, they’ll paint themselves as the victim. But instead of addressing the issue directly, they’ll contrast you with someone who supposedly treats them so much better.
They might say, “I just don’t understand why you’re being so difficult. Lisa never gives me a hard time.”
Or, “I wish you could be more like Jake. He just gets me.”
They do this to make you feel like you’re failing them—when in reality, they’re just trying to control your emotions.
Victims of narcissist abuse know what I’m talking about.They Keep Bringing Up an “Ex” or Someone They Used to Be Close With
A narcissist will often bring up an ex, an old friend, or even a family member as a way to make you feel insecure.
They might casually mention, “My ex always knew how to handle these situations,” or “I used to have the best conversations with my old friend—it’s hard to find that now.”
This isn’t just reminiscing, it’s a manipulation tactic. They want you to feel like you’re not measuring up so that you’ll try harder to keep their approval.
The reality? No matter what you do, they’ll always find a way to make you feel less than.
They Manipulate Two People Against Each Other and Sit Back to Watch the Chaos
One of the worst ways narcissists use triangulation is by causing conflict between two people—then sitting back and enjoying the drama.
They might tell you, “I don’t want to get involved, but Mark said something really harsh about you,” while telling Mark something similar about you.
Now, you’re both on edge, unsure of who to trust—except, of course, the narcissist, who suddenly becomes the only person who seems neutral.
They love this position. It keeps everyone distracted while they maintain control over the situation. If you notice that someone always seems to be at the center of drama without ever actually taking responsibility, they’re probably using triangulation.
They Use Other People to Validate Their Lies
Narcissists hate being confronted with the truth, so when they’re caught in a lie, they’ll often bring in a third person to back them up. They might say, “Even Sarah agrees with me on this,” or “I was just talking to Jake, and he said the same thing.”
Most of the time, these people never actually said what the narcissist claims. But because they introduce an outside opinion, it makes you question yourself.
This is a manipulation tactic meant to make you doubt your own reality and give more weight to their version of events. A confident person doesn’t need backup to tell the truth—only manipulators do.
The Best Ways to Respond to Triangulation
Dealing with triangulation can be exhausting, but the right responses can take away the narcissist’s power. Here’s how to handle it effectively:
- Don’t engage in the competition. The narcissist wants you to feel insecure and fight for their attention—don’t fall for it. Instead, step back and refuse to participate.
- Call it out (but without getting emotional). If you recognize what’s happening, say something like, “It sounds like you’re trying to compare me to someone else. No thanks. I’m not interested in that.” This puts them back in their place without escalating the situation.
- Strengthen your boundaries. If they try to use someone else to pressure you into doing something, reinforce your decision. “I don’t care what Sarah did. I’m making the best choice for me.”
- Avoid defending yourself. When they try to paint you as the problem, don’t waste energy justifying yourself. Let their words go in one ear and out the other.
- Limit or cut contact. If triangulation is a pattern in your relationship, consider distancing yourself. A narcissist loses their grip when you stop playing their games.
Recognizing triangulation is the first step. The second? Refusing to let it control you.
Final Thoughts
Triangulation is one of the narcissist’s favorite mind games, and it’s incredibly damaging. The worst part? It’s often so subtle that you don’t even realize it’s happening until you’re feeling completely drained.
The best way to protect yourself? Recognize it for what it is. If someone constantly compares you to others, makes you feel like you’re in competition, or starts unnecessary drama—step back. You don’t need to play their game.
A narcissist thrives on making you feel insecure, but the moment you stop engaging, their power over you crumbles.
The best response to triangulation? Walk away and focus on people who actually value you.