One of the pitfalls of modern dating is that it’s never been easier for cheaters to cheat. They can go online and make a profile that represents themselves as single and then shop the singles market for a side interest who has no idea that’s the role they’re playing.
They’re looking for love in the right place and finding people who have no business being there in the first place.
What’s truly unfortunate is that, thanks to internalized misogyny, a lot of women will blame the other woman rather than holding their partner accountable for misrepresenting themselves.
We get mad at the other party as if they somehow messed up a good thing, and then we let our partner off the hook a little by misallocating some of the responsibility to someone else.
The truth is that the only person who’s at fault when cheating happens is the cheater. Not the cheated on.
Not the unsuspecting cheating partner who had no idea that this person was in a relationship. Just the cheater.
11 Signs He Is in a Relationship with Someone Else, According to a Former Therapist
If you’ve begun to suspect that the person you’re seeing is in a relationship with someone else, you might be looking for red flags and warning signs.
Frankly, you’ve probably already seen a few that have made you wonder.
If you’re here for confirmation, these are the signs you want to look for that indicate he’s likely already partnered and just using you to cheat.
Why should you trust my advice? I’m Crystal Jackson and I was a master’s level licensed therapist. I worked with couples and individuals and specialized in trauma recovery. I now write content about psychology, mental health, relationships and self-improvement. My work has been featured on large media outlet such as Elite Daily, Your Tango, Positively Positive, Mamamia, and The Good Men Project.
You Never Go to His Place
One possible sign that he is in a relationship with someone else is when you never actually spend time at his place. You’ve likely never even been there. Instead, he spends his time at your place.
It’s possible he’s already sharing space with a current partner and knows you’ll figure it out if you see where and how he lives.
It’s suspicious — particularly when he always has an excuse about why you can’t come over.
You might notice you don’t even hang out in his part of town or in his neighborhood.
It’s almost as if he’s avoiding being seen with you near where he lives, which might lead you to assume that you’re the side chick in his life and not the one with main character energy.
He Doesn’t Have an Online Footprint
In this day and age, it’s honestly suspicious when someone doesn’t have social media or some type of online presence.
I don’t care how private someone is about their lives, this is, as my son would say, “totally sus, bruh.”
He might have a million plausible reasons about why he doesn’t have social media, but one good reason could be that he’s in a relationship and doesn’t want you or his partner finding out what’s going on.
He Doesn’t Post Pics of the Two of You
If he does have social media accounts, it’s natural to become suspicious when he doesn’t post any photos of the two of you together.
He might not do this early in the relationship when you’re both still dating other people, but at the relationship progresses and becomes exclusive, you’d expect this to change, right?
If it doesn’t change and you point it out, he’s probably got a lot of good reasons (read: excuses) about why he just doesn’t want to do that. The question is: do you believe him?
Or do you suspect more and more that he’s hiding something?
He’s Different on the Phone When Someone Else is Present
Another warning sign that he is in a relationship with someone else is when he’s different on the phone when someone else is present.
It’s one thing if he’s at work. Don’t expect terms of endearment uttered in front of his boss. But if you call him at home and someone else is there, is he totally different? You might even say impersonal?
He could be busy and distracted. You don’t want to jump to conclusions. Yet, it is a sign worth paying attention to if other aspects of your relationship just aren’t adding up.
He Has Times He’s Unavailable to You That He Won’t Explain
A clear red flag that he could be in a relationship with someone else can happen when he’s unavailable at very specific times he won’t rationally explain.
Romantic partners are under no obligation to be available to you all day and night.
But if there are hours that you’re not allowed to contact him that aren’t explained by work or single parenting, you might begin to suspect that this is time with another partner.
He Avoids the Updating-the-Relationship-Status Conversation
Avoiding the updating-the-relationship-status conversation is interesting.
This particular warning sign could indicate that he’s in a relationship with someone else, but it can also just be a sign that he doesn’t want a relationship with you or is still seeing other people.
You can’t draw a conclusion that he has a partner he’s being unfaithtful to by this one sign alone, but it could be a red flag when you’re seeing other suspicious signs along with it.
He’s Very Inconsistent with Contact
Inconsistency in response times could mean he’s flaky, disinterested, keeping you as an option, or that he’s in a relationship with someone else.
Pay attention to how and when this inconsistency occurs. Is something just not adding up? Does he run hot and cold in ways that keep you off-balance?
Look, he might not have another partner he’s hiding from you, but he sounds like a terrible partner for you. He might be struggling with avoidant attachment or intimacy issues.
Maybe he’s got a lot going on, like a family crisis or mental health struggle.
There are a lot of conclusions you can draw, but if you suspect that he has another partner out there, you might want to jot this down when it happens and compare it to other instances where things just don’t add up.
He Doesn’t Introduce You to Friends and Family
Someone who is cheating on someone else with you is unlikely to introduce you to family and friends.
You might meet one friend, but you’re unlikely to get invitations to come to the family barbecue or go out with his friends for the night.
If he has a double life, he’s going to want to compartmentalize them enough that you don’t find out. Keeping you away from his friends and family is one way he’ll do this.
He’s Secretive about Aspects of His Life
One of the signs he’s in a relationship with someone else happens when he’s secretive about certain aspects of his life.
There’s a thing called privacy, but if his privacy seems extreme, you might suspect he’s hiding something.
I’m not one to advocate a partner accessing a significant other’s phone or email, but I will note that it’s a warning sign when screens are always hidden when you’re around.
The facedown phone, the closed computer screen the moment you walk in — these are signs that they could be hiding something.
Maybe it’s a porn habit. Maybe it’s an embarrassing hobby. Or maybe they’re in a relationship they don’t want you to ever find out about.
You Catch Him Lying
Cheaters are going to cheat, and liars are going to lie. They’re the same person, after all. If you catch him lying, you might begin to wonder what else he’s lied to you about.
You already suspect there might be someone else. You just don’t want to believe it.
He Gaslights You When You Catch On
In fact, when you catch him lying, it’s possible he gaslights you into believing you’re crazy when the truth is that he’s hiding something.
He needs to make you doubt yourself so that you stop doubting him. A person who gaslights you isn’t a healthy partner — even if they’re not actually cheating.
How to Find Out for Sure
Do you want to find out for sure? There are ways to do this without resorting to hiring a private investigator.
For instance, you can confront him outright and present all your evidence.
Let him defend himself or walk out. Either way, you just might get to the bottom of what’s going on.
You can also do a deep dive into social media. He might have another account, or it’s possible that he has a public persona and a private one. Find out if you’re seeing his real account or the one he uses for cheating.
Insist on meeting friends and family. If the relationship has gone on for a while, there’s no reason you shouldn’t be meeting the other people in his life.
This might be a way to find out if he’s actually being honest with you about who he is.
You also need to rule out distrust and paranoia. Have you become a suspicious person because you were cheated on in the past?
Unresolved trauma could make you think someone’s cheating even when they aren’t. Unpack your bags so they aren’t obscuring what you’re seeing.
Trust your gut. Sometimes, you might not get the answers you want. But you already know, don’t you? You’ve figured out you can’t trust him even if you’re not sure why.
Trust yourself, and know that this relationship isn’t for you.
What To Do When He’s in a Relationship with Someone Else
You don’t have to stay with someone you suspect is in a relationship with someone else. Before you know, you’re an innocent bystander.
After you find out, you’re just another cheater even if you’re the one who is single. If he’s in a relationship, let him extricate himself from it before dating you.
It doesn’t matter if he insists he’s separated or that his marriage has gone bad. Let him leave it and then find you.
Someone who’s in a relationship with someone else but dating you isn’t show respect for their current partner — or for you.
This isn’t a person you can trust to be faithful. It is a person who’s shown that their ethics and integrity can be called into question.
You already know. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. You know something’s not right, and you’re beginning to think that another partner is lurking behind every half-assed excuse.
You can keep playing detective, or you can free yourself to find a partner who doesn’t make you put a magnifying glass on their life to get to the truth.