Sometimes I think the only reason I stayed so long was because I truly believed I couldn’t leave. Not because I didn’t want to. Not because I didn’t know it was toxic.
But because he made me feel like I wouldn’t survive without him – and that I would eventually regret the decision.
The emotional prison wasn’t built overnight. It was slow. Strategic. Invisible. I didn’t even see the bars until I was already locked inside.
If you’ve ever felt stuck, helpless, or too exhausted to walk away, it’s not because you’re weak. It’s because someone worked really hard to make you feel that way.
1. They make you believe you’re the problem
You’re not crazy, but they make you feel like you are.
Every fight becomes your fault. Every reaction gets labeled as overreacting, dramatic, unstable.
You stop trusting yourself. You second-guess your memory. You start apologizing just to avoid more pain.
I remember crying after he yelled at me in a restaurant. Then I apologized on the way home for “starting drama.” That was the moment I realized I was losing myself.
2. They isolate you without saying it out loud
They don’t forbid you from seeing people. They just plant doubt. “Your friend doesn’t really like me.” “Your sister is jealous of what we have.”
“Why do you tell them our private business?”
“I don’t really like when you go to that cooking class, there are too many guys, but if you really want to go, just go. I’ll just be anxious while you’re there.” (Yeah, real life example of passive-aggressiveness.)
Little by little, you stop sharing. You stop showing up. You stop reaching out. And suddenly, you’re alone with no backup.
He once told me my mom was manipulative because she encouraged me to take space. I believed him. And I didn’t call her for weeks.
3. They make pain feel normal and love feel rare
They normalize mistreatment by making it feel like part of the relationship. You start thinking that love means suffering. That all couples fight like this. That it’s just the “passionate ups and downs.”
They condition you to expect pain as a regular part of connection. And then they give you breadcrumbs of affection to keep you loyal. It’s emotional starvation followed by a single compliment, and you eat it up like it’s a feast.
I used to cry in the bathroom, then come out smiling just because he said “you look pretty.” That’s not love.
4. They make you feel guilty for wanting to leave
They tell you they’re broken. That you’re the only one who’s ever cared. That they’ll fall apart without you. And suddenly, your pain doesn’t matter anymore. You’re just trying not to hurt them.
I remember drafting a breakup text and deleting it because I felt bad. He had cried on the phone the night before and said, “You’re the only good thing I have.” That line haunted me for months.
I stayed because I didn’t want to feel like a monster.
5. They convince you no one else would ever love you
They don’t say it directly. They hint at it. They call you too emotional. Too much. Too sensitive. “Not everyone would put up with this,” they say. And you start believing they’re right.
You stop imagining a life after them. You think this is the best you’ll get.
I used to wonder if anyone else could ever handle me. The truth is, I was never hard to love. I was just being slowly broken down.
6. They drain you so much you can’t even think straight
Constant arguing. Silent treatments. Accusations. Guilt-trips. Your nervous system is shot. You’re exhausted all the time. You don’t have the energy to pack your things, let alone plan an escape.
You wake up dreading the day and go to sleep with a knot in your stomach. It’s like being in survival mode 24/7.
7. They use emotional highs and intermittent reinforcement to convince you would regret leaving
Some days they’re everything you want (because they know very well what you want).
They surprise you with something sweet. They show up kind, attentive, even romantic. And it gives you hope. You think, maybe it’s not as bad as I thought.
Then they go back to their toxic behavior. Then after two weeks they’re sweet again.
This is classic intermittent reinforcement. It’s designed to make you forget the worst moments. You remember the few highs and convince yourself they cancel out the pain.
He once made me breakfast after a huge fight where he had screamed at me for an hour.
I remember thinking, “See? He’s trying.” That one kind gesture made me ignore the hell I was in. And that’s exactly how they keep you. How they trap you.
8. They make you feel like leaving means you failed
They say things like “So you’re really just going to give up?” “You never really loved me.” “Wow. I guess nothing meant anything to you.”
And just like that, you go from victim to villain. Classic.
If you’ve invested years, they’ll remind you. “After everything we’ve been through?” And suddenly it’s not about escaping anymore. It’s about not wanting to feel like a quitter.
I stayed another 6 months because I didn’t want to “waste” the 3 years I had already lost.
9. They know exactly how to pull you back
They don’t beg. They manipulate. One photo. One voice note. One message that sounds like love but is really bait. “I miss your laugh.” “I’ve been thinking about us.” “You’re still my person.”
I blocked him for two weeks once. Then he sent a song we used to play in the car. That was it. I unblocked him that night.
They study you. They know what pulls on your heart. And they use it every time.
10. They don’t lock you in with chains, they lock you in with fear
They make the outside world feel terrifying. Dating again? Impossible. Being alone? Miserable. They convince you it’s safer to stay in the dysfunction you know than risk the unknown.
You start thinking, “Maybe this is just what love is.” It’s not. But they’ve trained you to doubt your own idea of happiness.
The cage isn’t physical. It’s mental. And once you see it, you’ll understand the door was never locked. You were just taught to fear walking through it.
If you’ve ever blamed yourself for not leaving sooner, stop. Narcissists don’t just hurt you, they rewire your mind to believe that staying is safer, smarter, even necessary.
It’s not love. And once you break free from it, you’ll realize the relationship wasn’t keeping you alive. It was slowly killing who you were.
Leaving isn’t weakness. It’s the strongest thing you’ll ever do.