4 Habits of Subtly Toxic People

No one wants to waste time and energy around people who consistently disrespect, belittle and humiliate others.

Yet, many of us sometimes get stuck in toxic relationships that have a negative impact on our mental health and even on our self-confidence.

The problem is some people may seem friendly, charming, respectful, and even emotionally mature, when we’re still getting to know them.

Some of their behaviors may seem inoffensive at first, while the reality is they are not, and they can actually damage relationships in the long-term.

This is why it’s essential to learn to recognize these unhealthy habits.

What follows are four behaviors of subtly toxic people.

1. They Provoke You, Then They Ask You to Calm Down

When I was working in a call center in my home town, I witnessed a difficult conversation between a coworker, Alessandra, and one of our supervisors, Matteo.

The supervisor was new in the office, and wasn’t very familiar with our processes. He wanted my coworker Alessandra to solve an issue that couldn’t be actually solved by our department.

Matteo started to provoke Alessandra, asking her if she was new, if she “even had a high-school diploma,” and if she understood the basics of her job.

My colleague remained calm for more than ten minutes, but then she decided to respond.

With a nervous tone in her voice, she told Matteo he was not being respectful with her, and that their conversation was ending there.

Matteo told her she was too delicate, that she was losing her patience, and asked her to calm down, otherwise she would receive a warning.

Matteo’s behavior is also known as blame-shifting. It’s subtle and hard to see, but it’s right there, and tells you a lot about someone.

As Dr Nicola Davies explains, blame-shifting is one of the identifying behaviors of the victim personality.

And, as Davies puts it, people who habitually indulge in self-victimization tend to manipulate, provoke, or abuse others verbally, sometimes even physically, and then blame the other person…i.e. the real victim.

2. Passive-Aggressive Behavior

As Daniel K. Hall-Flavin, M.D. explains in Mayo Clinic, “Passive-aggressive behavior is a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. There’s a disconnect between what a passive-aggressive person says and what he or she does.”

For example, imagine you are the manager of a the new team in your company, and ask one of your direct reports to create a list with the birthdays of all the team members.

You also tell them you need it by the end of the week.

This person agrees to create the list.

But at the end of the week they don’t follow through.

You ask them if they have the list, and they reply they were too busy to create it.

In this case, the employee expressed indirectly their negative feeling of overwhelm by not following through on a task, instead of assertively telling you they already had too many tasks to complete that week.

3. They Fake Interest to Get What They Want

Let me give you an example.

A few years ago, I signed up for a new gym in my neighborhood. When I first walked in, the receptionist was incredibly friendly.

She asked me my name, what I did for work, what sports I liked, and what my fitness goals were. She laughed at my jokes and spent almost half an hour showing me around the facility.

Honestly, she made me feel welcome.

I ended up signing the membership.

A few days later, I came back because and for some reason my access card wasn’t working.

The same receptionist was talking to a colleague. I politely waited and then explained the problem.

She looked at me bothered as if I was interrupting her.

Then, with a rude tone, she said something that caught me completely off guard:

“I’ve never seen you before. Are you new here?”

I remember standing there thinking, Seriously?

Just a few days earlier, she had been asking me personal questions and acting genuinely interested in everything I had to say.

But now that the sale was done, it was like I didn’t exist.

And that’s when it clicked.

She wasn’t genuine. She just wanted to close a sale.

The attention, the curiosity, the friendliness…it was all part of the transaction.

The takeaway

Now, to be fair, not everyone who asks questions has hidden motives…obviously.

Some people are naturally warm, curious, and genuinely interested in others.

The difference is what happens after they no longer need anything from you.

People who genuinely care tend to remember things. They remember your name. They remember conversations you’ve had. And they ask follow-up questions because they were actually listening.

People who fake interest do just the opposite.

They can make you feel like the most important person in the room today and barely acknowledge you tomorrow.

And what makes this behavior toxic is the manipulation behind it.

They pretend to care, listen, and take an interest in you, not because they genuinely value you, but because they want something from you.

The problem is that they create a false sense of connection.

They make you believe the relationship matters when, in reality, their kindness is conditional.

The moment they get what they want, the friendliness disappears.

Healthy people value people. Toxic people instead value what people can do for them.

4. They Choose Impatience Over Empathy

Picture this: you’re at a restaurant with a friend and call the waiter to order some food. The waiter is new in town, and he doesn’t speak English very well, as he just relocated from another country.

He doesn’t understand what your friend wants to order. So he kindly asks your friend to repeat what he would like to have for lunch.

Instead of patiently repeating himself, your friend gets highly impatient. He starts yelling at the poor guy, and says he only wants to talk to a waiter who understands English.

Becoming impatient and yelling at someone instead of using empathy, is a behavior that tells you a lot about someone.

If they’re treating a stranger that way, they may treat you the same way sooner or later.

Bottom Line

Behaviors such as blame-shifting, passive-aggressiveness, faking interest, and lack of empathy can be hard to see. However, sometimes they are there, right under your nose, and they tell you a lot about someone.

In fact, when you see these behaviors you might be dealing with a problematic person. And the best thing you can do is to set healthy boundaries with them.

Life is too short to let toxic people add negativity to your life.

“People inspire you, or they drain you, pick them wisely.”
— Hans F. Hansen