In this post we are going to discuss some signs a man is not sorry for hurting you, and what you should do.
Some people come into our lives and leave scars; some of them mean to; some of them don’t. The impact is the same. It hurts.
It’s even worse when they aren’t even sorry they hurt us. These are the ones that do the most damage because they can’t even step up and make right what they did wrong.
The sad truth might be that hurt people hurt people, but some of them are actually sorry they did it. Others … well, that’s what we’re here to talk about.
7 Signs He’s Not Sorry for Hurting You, According to a Former Therapist
We cannot make other people feel what we think they should. If he’s not sorry for hurting you, you’ll see signs. Here are 7 of them.
Why listen to me? I was a master’s level licensed therapist. I worked with couples and families and specialized in trauma recovery and empowerment. I now write content about relationships and psychology. My work has been featured on publications like Your Tango, Positively Positive, Mamamia, and The Good Men Project.
He Blames You for Everything
Whether he’s your current partner or your ex, a man who isn’t actually sorry for hurting you will blame you for everything. Nothing is ever his fault. Everything is yours. At least, this is the truth according to him.
It’s interesting that shame is often what motivates him to blame you. It’s so much easier to see you as the problem than to own his thoughtlessness or inadequacy.
And that’s a coping mechanism that damages the relationship, and it’s also a sign of prior trauma and/or immaturity.
While you might be able to understand why he does this, I hope you also understand that it’s not your fault no matter what he says. Nor is it your problem.
You can have empathy without laying down and becoming the man’s doormat.
He Shows No Accountability
Another sign that he’s not actually sorry for hurting you is that he shows no sign of accountability. He doesn’t own up to his behavior or the impact of it.
He invalidates your feelings and minimizes his behavior.
Accountability is essential for healthy relationships.
You need to know that the person you’re with is capable of acknowledging when their behavior hurts you. They should feel sorry for that if they care about you. If they don’t, it’s a concerning problem.
He Never Apologizes
Not only is he never accountable, he also never feels the need to apologize. If he ever does manage an effective apology, it’s the kind that also throws you under the bus in the process. His apologies are never adequate or genuine. They’re performative if they happen at all.
You know this about him, and you don’t even expect an apology anymore.
He’s the last person to ever admit he’s wrong, and you might have broken your own heart waiting for the apology that will never come.
If this person is your ex, you might have to face that fact that forgiving him is the thing you do for yourself — not because he deserves it or asks for it.
You deserve to be free of your pain, and if you’re waiting for an apology, you already know it’s never coming.
He Continues to Do the Thing That Hurt You
The best apology is changed behavior. But he doesn’t apologize and he doesn’t change his behavior. You know he’s not sorry because he continues to engage in the behavior that hurt you in the first place.
He doesn’t make amends or learn from what’s happened. He just keeps doing the same damage he did before.
This is a big sign that he doesn’t even comprehend the damage it’s doing — or simply doesn’t care. If he’s sorry, he’ll work on it.
He’ll do his best to change. It doesn’t mean he’ll never mess up, but if he is actually sorry, he’ll make the effort to try to avoid hurting you again in the future.
He Gaslights You When You Confront Him
Gaslighters often avoid responsibility for the harm they do.
If you confront him and he tries to make you feel crazy, you need to understand that he’s not sorry for hurting you.
In fact, he wants you to feel sorry for even addressing the problem.
Turning the tables is classic gaslighting behavior. What it’s not is a sign that he feels any remorse for causing you pain.
If he tries to make you feel like you’re overreacting, any claim to feeling sorry you’re hurt is simply performative so you don’t leave or stay mad at him.
He Makes Excuses for His Behavior
He always has an excuse. There’s always a good reason for how he treats you. Even if he hurts you, he acts like his intentions were good.
This goes back to accountability, but it’s also a sign all its own. He has excuse after excuse for why he is the way he is and does what he does.
If you’re hurt, you’re the collateral damage that he’s not particularly concerned about.
He’s not going to do anything different. This might be when he’s sorry it hurt you but not sorry for what he did, which isn’t the same thing as holding himself accountable and making a genuine apology.
He Seems to Enjoy Your Pain
The worst sign you’ll see that someone isn’t sorry they hurt you is when they seem to relish your pain. This is particularly apt with exes, but you might also see it within a toxic relationship.
If you feel like what they did is getting back at you for something else, this person is causing you pain on purpose.
This is a painful betrayal. It’s adding insult to injury to hurt you on purpose and be glad they’ve done it. This is toxic behavior and could even indicate an abusive relationship.
He’s Not Sorry — At Least, You Don’t Think So
Sometimes, we don’t see the signs that they are sorry for hurting us. They don’t always show us. We might assume that what happened means nothing to them, but we can’t really know, can we?
In the end, we have to decide to forgive. To forgive them for hurting us whether or not an apology is forthcoming, to forgive ourselves for being hurt even if there were warning signs.
Forgiveness isn’t a thing we do for them. It is purely to set ourselves free.
He might not be sorry. He may never reach that point in his journey. It might be too painful, or he may not have the coping skills to accept the damage he’s caused.
You can’t live your life waiting for the people who hurt you to acknowledge it. That’s not what matters.
You are still entitled to your story and your feelings. You get to own your experiences — and decide what you’ll learn from them.
Sometimes, people make amends, but most of the time, they never do. It’s still your responsibility to manage your feelings and to grow from them.
If you don’t, you become the hurt person hurting other people because you couldn’t get over the pain of the past.
You continue the cycle because you weren’t brave enough to face your feelings and stop it.
If you don’t want to be that person, now is the time to face what happened, feel it, and decide what kind of person you’re going to be.
You get to be bitter or you can choose to be better. Only you can decide. This is your origin story after all.
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