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13 Signs You’re Dealing with a Covert Narcissist

It’s not always easy to spot a covert narcissist. At least, they’re much more difficult to identify than an overt narcissist. They usually don’t fit the stereotypical image of a narcissist, which can make their behavior even more confusing and harmful.

I’ve seen several of my clients struggle to understand what was happening, questioning their own perceptions. Covert narcissists often operate under a veil of subtlety, making you doubt yourself while they maintain control.

Over time, their tactics can slowly erode your confidence and leave you feeling lost. Recognizing the signs is the first step to taking back your power and protecting your well-being.

In this article, I’ll walk you through the key traits and behaviors to look out for so you can identify a covert narcissist and take steps to handle them.

Why listen to me? I’m Sira Mas and I’m a relationship coach. I write about self-improvement, love, dating and psychology. My work has been featured on large publications such as Mamamia, Plenty of Fish, Ladders, Entrepreneur and Thrive Global.

They May Not Be Particularly Extroverted

When people think of narcissists, they often picture someone loud, outgoing, and the center of attention. Covert narcissists are different. They can appear quiet, reserved, or even shy, which makes them harder to identify.

I’ve had clients tell me they never suspected a thing because the person didn’t fit the usual image of a narcissist. What I always recommend in situations like this is to pay attention to subtle signs of self-absorption.

Do they talk only about themselves when they’re with you? Do they redirect conversation to themselves? Do they have this constant need to talk about how perfect and amazing they are, especially compared to others?

Well, even if this behavior alone doesn’t mean you’re a narcissist, that’s not normal.

Even though they may not be loud or extroverted, you’ll notice this pattern in every conversation with them where their world always revolves around them.

They Blame the Shift on You…Always

All narcissists are experts at shifting blame. Even the covert ones. When things go wrong, it’s never their fault. Instead, they’ll subtly suggest that you’re the problem.

If you call them out on something, they’ll get defesive and will tell you how upset they feel.

I’ve had clients share stories about how they were left feeling guilty over things they didn’t do. What I tell people in this case is to take a step back and look at the pattern.

If you’re always the one apologizing or feeling at fault, it’s definitely NOT normal and it’s usually a major red flag. The covert narcissist’s tactic is to keep you questioning yourself while they maintain the upper hand.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Covert narcissists rarely engage in direct confrontation. Instead, they rely on passive-aggressive tactics to express their frustration or dissatisfaction.

For example, they might give you the silent treatment, make snide remarks, or do something intentionally to punish you (for something you did, but who knows what, sounds familiar?) but deny it when confronted.

What I always recommend my clients do in these situations is to assertively call out their behavior without feeding into the drama. A covert narcissist thrives on creating confusion, so staying grounded is your best defense.

Guilt Trips

Let me make something clear. Guilt is a healthy emotion. If you feel guilt, it means you have a good level of empathy and emotional intelligence. And the narcissist in your life knows it.

That’s why guilt is one of their favorite tools for control. Because they know they can use it as much as they want to make you feel bad about setting boundaries or prioritizing your needs.

For instance, they might say things like, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?” to manipulate you into apologizing for something you didn’t do or doing something for them.

What I usually tell clients and readers in situations like this is to recognize these guilt trips for what they are—manipulation. Once you see it, it’s easier to stop it from affecting you.

They’re Hyper-Sensitive to Criticism

While they may seem humble, covert narcissists are extremely sensitive to any form of criticism. Even the smallest suggestion can set them off, though they may not react openly.

Instead, they’ll sulk, withdraw, or use passive-aggressive behavior to punish you. Thta’s their modus operandi. I’ve had clients and readers describe feeling like they were walking on eggshells to avoid triggering this type of reaction.

What I recommend in these cases is to remind yourself that their sensitivity is not your responsibility. You can’t tiptoe around someone forever. But you can choose to walk away and prioritize your peace of mind.

They Compare Themselves to People Close to Them

Covert narcissists have a habit of comparing themselves to others, especially people in their immediate circle. They might subtly criticize or put others down to make themselves look better.

For example, they’ll say things like, “At least I’m not as irresponsible as so-and-so.” What I usually recommend to clients who notice this behavior is to stay aware of how this dynamic impacts their self-esteem.

A covert narcissist’s need to feel superior often comes at the expense of those closest to them.

Entitlement

Entitlement is one of the main signs of narcissism, and covert narcissists are no exception. They believe they deserve special treatment, even if they don’t say it outright.

For instance, they might act irritated if you don’t immediately meet their needs or if life doesn’t go their way. Or even if they can’t skip the line at the airport.

And they’ll punish the person who doesn’t give them what they want. If that person is their partner, the punishment may be something like the silent treatment, “we’re not going out for dinner anymore”, or “I’m not going to go to the party with you anymore”, or many more behaviors (I could write a book with all the examples I have in mind).

Lack of Empathy

Like all narcissists, covert ones lack genuine empathy. They may seem to care on the surface, but their actions often tell a different story.

For example, they might listen to your problems but quickly shift the conversation back to themselves. Or simply change subject to something completely unrelated to what you were saying. What I always tell people in these situation is to watch what they do, not just what they say.

A covert narcissist’s lack of empathy becomes apparent over time, especially when you need them most. Or when you’re having a bad time and they show they don’t care at all. And tell you things like “you’re making a big deal for nothing.”

Victim Mentality

These narcissists usually portray themselves as the victim. In every single story they are the victim. And if it’s an argument they’re having with you, you’re obviously the villain. Sounds familiar?

If the conflict is not with you, they’ll talk about how unfair people are to them, how unfair life is to them and how much they’re suffering.

This tactic is meant to gain sympathy and, most importantly, deflect accountability. I’ve had clients in a relationship with a covert narcissist telling me how exhausting it is to constantly reassure someone who sees themselves as a victim in every situation.

Or to try to defend themselves when accused of something they didn’t do (blame-shifting alert!)

So as you can see, it’s a very common behavior in covert narcissists.

Constant Craving for Validation

Covert narcissists crave validation just as much as overt ones, but they go about it differently. Instead of openly seeking attention, they might fish for compliments by putting themselves down or subtly hinting at their achievements.

For example, they might say, “I’m so bad at this,” just to hear you disagree. Or humble brag on social media.

Recognizing this need for validation is the first step to set boundaries and stop feeding into their behavior. So, you don’t have to compliement them if you don’t feel like doing it. You don’t have to like their post on Instagram.

Yes, they’ll probably hate you for that. But you don’t want these people in your life anyway, so…

When Confronted, They Stonewall You

When a narcissist is confronted, they often resort to stonewalling. This means they completely shut down the conversation, refusing to engage or even acknowledge your concerns. (And the covert narcissist tends to do this even more the overt narcissist.)

They might walk away, change the subject, or act as if you never said what you said.

What I usually recommend in these situations is to avoid chasing after them for answers. Because it makes tham feel good. Their goal is to control the narrative by withholding communication, so don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing your frustration.

Go for a walk, go in another room, or just keep yourself busy, and let them come to you. Or even better, if you can, walk away from the relationship.

Whether they’re a narcissist or not, stonewalling is not a healthy behavior and life is too short to be in a relationship with someone who can’t handle conflict. Better being single at this point.

They Don’t Apologize for Their Mistakes

Covert narcissists rarely take responsibility for their actions. When they do apologize, it often comes with a but. Or with a you.

They’ll say things like, “I’m sorry, but you made me do it,” or, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which shifts the blame back onto you.

These apologies aren’t genuine; they’re manipulative tools to avoid accountability.

What I always recommend in cases like this is to focus on their actions rather than their words. A sincere apology involves taking responsibility and avoiding repeating the same mistake. And if they can’t do that, well, that tells you a lot about them and how they care.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is one of the favorite tactics of covert narcissists. They’ll deny things they said or did, distort the truth, and make you doubt your own perception of reality.

For instance, they might say, “That never happened,” “You’re chainging things” (while they’re changing them) or, “You’re imagining things,” when you call them out on their behavior.

I’ve had clients describe how this constant manipulation made them feel like they were losing their minds. What I usually tell people in this situation is to keep a record of events—whether it’s through journaling or saving messages—so you can remind yourself of the truth.

Recognizing gaslighting is the first step toward protecting your mental health.

Difference Between Covert and Overt Narcissism

While overt narcissists are loud, boastful, and obvious in their self-centeredness, covert narcissists are more subtle. They’re less likely to brag openly but still harbor the same sense of superiority and entitlement.

What I always tell people who asks me about covert narcissists is that these people are harder to spot than overt narcissists because they often come across as humble and quiet. However, their underlying traits and behaviors—manipulation, lack of empathy, and need for control—are the same as overts.

Spotting the signs early can help you protect yourself from their toxic influence.

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