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How to Really Get Your Ex Back: 5 Secrets to Restart Your Relationship

In this article we will talk about how to really get your ex back.

Breaking up with the person you thought was your soulmate is never easy. Never.

It hurts, deeply. And it takes months to process what happened. 

I remember having sleepless nights after my first breakup. 

I’d avoid showing up in public because I was never in the mood, and the memories of my relationship would chase me all day.

Even after so many years of moving on happily, the days after that breakup phase still haunt me sometimes.

I’d often think of getting him back, which wasn’t a good idea. However, the scenario might not be the same in every relationship. 

This was true for my friend Richa who sorted out things with her partner after their breakup — and they are now happily married.

Does the thought of getting back your ex scare you?

Are you looking for some practical ways to fix things between the two of you? Then, you’re in the right place.

The Story of My Friend Richa

Richa was in high school when she started to date Mark. Things seemed to be going great until Mark moved to a different state for his new college. 

It was getting difficult for both of them to overcome obstacles in a long-distance relationship, and that often led to misunderstandings and quarrels.

They parted ways, and Richa was devastated at that time.

And then came the plot twist. 

Two months after their breakup, a text from Mark popped up on Richa’s phone. 

“Hi Richa, Let me come straight to the point. It’s difficult for me not to have you in my life anymore and it’s even worse to plan a future without you. Can we talk and try to fix this?”

Richa still thanks Mark for initiating that conversation. They sorted things out and gave it a fresh start. 

They did have some arguments afterwards, but have found their way through all of them.

How to Really Get Your Ex Back

Check out the following points as they can be particularly useful if you’re looking for ways to get back with your ex.

1. Analyze the Breakup (Focus on How You Communicated)

Most relationship issues don’t develop overnight. They are created over time. 

Before you’re ready to invest time in getting your ex back, it’s essential to understand what actually caused the breakup. 

That’s the first, most important step.

Failing to communicate assertively often leads to an unfortunate outcome in relationships. So that’s where you might want to start your breakup analysis.

I can tell you this from what I saw in Richa’s case. She realized that what actually hurt her relationship with Mark was lack of healthy communication.

As distance slowly started to engulf their relationship, Richa would hardly tell Mark what was bothering her. 

She would prefer to stay silent and expected Mark to understand what the issue was without her saying a word. 

We must not forget our partners are humans and not mind readers. They might not always be able to interpret what’s running on our minds.

Clinical therapist Dr. Connie Omari says that communication is crucial for relationships because it is the most effective way for partners to connect.

Without communicating, it’s impossible to let your partner know your expectations. 

If you want to properly analyze your breakup and have a clear idea of what kind of relationship you really want, ask yourself these questions:

  • Why did the most common arguments take place?
  • Did my ex and I communicate in a respectful and honest way?
  • Was I a good communicator?
  • Did I hurt my ex with my words?
  • Did my ex hurt me with words?
  • Do I miss them and want to get back with them?
  • Was the decision to break up impulsive?

Once you have a clear answer to these questions, you can consider the next steps.

Recommended read: Healthy Relationships: 5 Powerful Habits of Truly Happy Couples

2. Avoid Pursuing Your Ex For At Least a Month

The post-breakup phase is never easy, and you’ll have a terrible time going through it. Just facts.

When you’re in love with someone, you’re emotionally attached to them. 

The phase of being away from the person you love threatens your happiness and triggers panic and anxiety inside you. 

Your first most natural and impulsive reaction is probably to ask them to fix things, try to talk to them every day, and spam their WhatsApp or Messenger asking how they’ve been doing. But this is not a great idea.

Relationship and self-improvement coach Kevin Thompson says most people commit this mistake as it seems the only logical thing to do in their panicked minds.

I made this mistake after my breakup, texting my ex all day long, begging him to fix things, only for him to leave the messages on seen. 

I pity myself for being desperate, as getting back together with him wouldn’t be a good idea anyway. 

The case with Richa was totally different. Neither of them tried being in touch with each other for two months, despite they were both suffering. 

Here are the points to look out for during the post-breakup phase:

  • You can be responsive to their texts or calls instead of ignoring them if they try to pursue you at this time. You can have short conversations that help both of you slowly get back to your comfort zone.
  • Try to figure out if your ex is still genuinely interested in you. You might run into them often if you are in the same office or college. Try analyzing their body language on what it suggests. Never use your friends as undercover agents to discover your ex’s current feelings about you.
  • Avoid jumping to an immediate conclusion upon hearing a rumor about your ex dating someone new. Don’t try too hard to make them notice you or even jealous, pretending to be happy with someone else. It will only worsen the situation and harm your chances of getting back with them.

Focus on yourself, meet new people and spend time doing the things you love.

Practice being without them and learn to get rid of the need of being with your ex.

Recommended read: The Ultimate Guide to Healthy and Strong Relationship Boundaries

3. Make Your Ex Realize They Miss You

One day Richa went for coffee with one of her male college friends, Daniel. It was a very casual meet-up with no strings attached. 

Trust me, Mark’s text came just the morning after he saw Daniel’s Instagram story showing him and Richa having coffee together.

Being harsh with your partner is never a good idea in winning them back.

However, if you live your life and give your ex enough space to miss you, this will probably trigger their feelings for you.

You can casually spend time with people of your opposite sex who are single and meet up with them in a café. 

Casually dating other people will help you remove your focus from your ax and putting it back to yourself.

In other words, it will help you keep your mind away from your ex and the breakup and focus your energy elsewhere. 

If your ex is still interested in you, sooner or later they’ll contact you or show up to tell you it’s time to stop staying apart. 

Making your ex realize they miss you and want to be with you is one of the most important and effective ways to build a new relationship with your former partner.

4. Take it Slow

And here comes the most delicate part of the process. 

You must be super patient in this phase. 

Once you have reinitiated communication, you can go for casual dates, catch up in a movie hall, or hit a restaurant you’d often visit while in the relationship. 

If you are willing to start a new relationship with your ex, winning them all over again is the only way. 

Here a good idea is to try rebuilding your friendship.

Research suggests that friendships should be kept intact to develop strong relationships. 

A weak base often leads to disaster in romantic relationships, and you should not miss out on this part. 

I remember that after Richa and Mark started talking again, they took it slowly. 

Mark would invite her for lunch if he was in town. 

When they were apart they would talk on the phone, crack some jokes, and sometimes also Facetime each other. 

This gradually helped them overcome their difficulties and return to their comfort zone like the initial days.

5. Initiate the “Relationship Talk” and Get Closer Again

Now that you’re back in your comfort zone and it’s clear that you’re both willing to plan a future with your ex, you can have that “relationship talk” with them. 

Set clear boundaries and goals.

And then get closer to them again.

These are some ways you can get reconnect on an emotional level:

  • Visit the places that you’d often visit while being together. This will trigger your memories together, the pleasant moments spent together and help rebuild the connection.
  • Do you remember your ex complimenting you for wearing a particular outfit or color? Wear that same dress on your next date with them, or consider wearing their favorite color.
  • Apologize for whatever happened in the past. If both of you are willing to return to your romantic days, there must not be any hesitation to apologize. Avoid speaking terms such as, “I apologize but,” “I can’t help it that you felt that way,” and so on. This indicates you’re blaming them for what they felt and you’re not recognizing your mistakes.
  • Try throwing a long stare at your ex and spend time looking into their eyes. Consider asking deep questions like their biggest fear or what makes them feel nervous. Research shows asking deep questions while looking at your ex’s eyes can often be the icebreaker.

Is Going Back to Your Ex Worth It?

Now that you know the steps to get your ex back, it is important to understand if going back with them is worth it. 

Not every individual deserves a second chance; some breakups could be a life savior. This was true in my case.

My ex would often take me for granted, talk to me according to their mood, and leave me questioning my self-worth.

Sometimes, he would be super excited to see me, while sometimes, he was extremely cold.

Once I reacted, he immediately called it off. I’d text him often, begging him to get back, and I realized it was wrong one day. It took me months to realize that staying with him was not worth it; since then, there has been no looking back.

Did you come out of an abusive relationship? Was there a lack of respect on their end? In such cases, getting back with your ex is never a wise option.

Wrapping Up: How to Get Your Ex Back?

Here’s a quick recap of what we covered in this article about how to get your ex back.

  • Assess the Breakup: Try to understand what caused the breakup, what you could have done better, how you could communicate better, and if it’s worth getting back together.
  • Avoid Being in Touch for at Least a Month: Focus on yourself. Try not to pursue your ex at least a month after your breakup. If they miss you, they’ll hit you up.
  • Make Them Miss You: Living your life, meeting new people, and focusing on being the best version of yourself is the best thing you can do at this stage. This will probably trigger their feelings for you, which is an excellent way to understand if they are still into you.
  • Take it Slowly: Once you start talking again, take it slow and try to rebuild your safety bubble. Don’t nip the hope in the bud by popping the “Shall we get back together?” question too soon.
  • Communicate and Get Closer Again: Once you are both ready, it’s time to have a relationship talk. Apologize for the past, visit places you’d often go during your romantic days, and compliment each other.

Is the person worth it? Ensure yourself asking this question before you set out on the mission to get them back. Once you know it, you know the next moves.


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Photo by Samantha Green on Unsplash

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