There is an art to seduction. It doesn’t involve a midnight “u up?” message or a heavy-handed attempt at sexting. It’s far more subtle than that — but also far more effective.
Let’s be honest: The current dating culture has made it spectacularly easy to successfully seduce a woman. Why? Because our standards are so low that they are practically nonexistent.
Most people are so busy engaging in hookup culture that they aren’t even attempting to truly entice anyone. It takes a soft touch and true effort to seduce a woman the right way.
This is not what pickup artists will tell you. They’ll try to sell you a “science” based on their personal research and experience, which don’t actually using any scientific method at all.
Bad advice is in abundance on the internet, all from self-proclaimed experts that think they have all the answers. Beware of the following strategies:
- Advice that involves manipulation
- Advice that emphasizes dishonesty
- Advice that ignores consent
- Advice that encourages unkindness and disrespect
- Advice that requires treating people like objects
- Advice that is meant to increase sexual partners only
- Advice that treats every woman the same way
Although I am a former therapist, these tips do not represent therapeutic advice and cannot replace actual therapy.
While I have not conducted any academic research on the topic, I can suggest the following methods from my own experience and from the experience of other women I know.
These tips emphasize mutual respect, boundaries, and consent. They won’t trick anyone into sleeping with you, but they could help you improve the way that you see, value, and treat women.
13 Healthy Steps to Seduce a Woman
Abandon everything you’ve learned about hookup culture. None of it will help you seduce her.
She’s so used to “hey, beautiful” and “u up?” that whatever you throw at her will likely be met with an eye roll and sigh.
It’s far too predictable and easily managed. Let’s file all that under “What Not to Do” and move on.
Why listen to me? I’m Crystal Jackson and I was a master’s level licensed therapist. I worked with couples and individuals and specialized in trauma recovery and empowerment. I now write content about relationships, self-improvement, and psychology. My work has been featured in large publications such as Elite Daily, Your Tango, Positively Positive, and Mamamia.
1. Slow Down
If you want to seduce a woman, slow down. Don’t start with sexting right out of the gate. Leave sexual innuendos at home. Instead, be willing to get to know her.
You’re attracted. You know that already, or you wouldn’t be initiating or participating in a conversation. Now, put aside your preconceived ideas about her. Drop all assumptions and projections.
Slow down enough to meet her where she is and know her there.
When I took pole dancing fitness classes, slowing down was the first rule of a sexy dance. Whatever movements we were learning, we had to learn how to perform them slowly.
We weren’t grinding or hopping around to a bop. We made the movements sensual. That’s the key to seducing a woman. Whatever you’re doing, slow down and savor it.
Whether that’s hearing about her day or reaching to take her hand with that little thumb stroke you know she loves so much. Stop rushing. Start appreciating.
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2. Listen and Show It
A good listener makes a powerful partner. It’s not enough just to hear the words. It’s also important to do something about what is heard.
She mentions her favorite flower, and you surprise her with a bouquet of them. An inside joke becomes the key to a truly intimate and thoughtful gift.
A reminder of a personal triggers means that you should make moves to sidestep it instead of trampling over her boundaries.
Listening is a key part of seduction. Even outside the bedroom, emotional intimacy can come when you truly listen to your partner.
Inside the bedroom, you’ll be more aware of their movements, sounds, and other indicators of both pleasure and discomfort.
Building an intimate knowledge of who she is and what she likes can guide the relationship forward. The emotional intimacy that you build will contribute to a stronger physical intimacy.
3. Understand Consent
Post #metoo, there is absolutely no reason why everyone shouldn’t have a working knowledge of consent. You might think consent is superfluous to seduction, but you’d be wrong.
So wrong, in fact, that you shouldn’t even attempt to hook up with anyone until you learn the value of full, enthusiastic consent.
It’s important to understand power differentials and the influence of alcohol or other substances on one’s ability to give full consent.
If you’re getting her drunk to seduce her, you’re not obtaining full consent and are, in fact, doing something highly problematic.
Consent isn’t the opposite of sexy. It’s part of the process. This is especially true when the sexual relationship is new.
Find out what your partner likes and doesn’t like and keep checking in to make sure anything new is pre-approved.
You don’t want to whip out the whips and chains without permission any more than you would want them to expose you to a new kink without first making sure it’s okay.
It’s not that you have to constantly seek permission. It’s more that you care enough to observe if the other person is comfortable.
Looking for those signs and even articulating them for confirmation is a great way to show a woman that you respect her and her bodily autonomy. This includes talking about safe sex.
If you’re old enough to have sex, you’re old enough to talk about sexual safety openly.
4. Make Her Laugh
There’s a reason why funny people often get the girl. Women love it when a partner can make them laugh. Humor is powerful — and perhaps even a powerful aphrodisiac?
People can appear more attractive to you if they can make you laugh or if they seem to find you funny, too. Shared humor, easy banter, and playfulness can be a part of the seduction process.
Showing her that you don’t mind hamming it up for a laugh can be a way to put her at ease and make her feel comfortable with you.
5. It’s the Small Things
Another healthy way to seduce a woman is to observe the value of the small things. A thumb stroke. A forehead kiss. A hand cupping the back of the neck and moving into the hair.
Too often, people want to skip these small but precious moves for the more obvious ones. Kissing doesn’t have to turn into tonsil hockey. It can be soft and slow. It can move away from the lips to explore kisses along the neck or jawline.
Instead of groping your love interest, you can be more subtle. A hand stroking up and down her back — without just feeling up her backside. Holding her face softly while kissing.
Offering a massage without turning it into a ploy for sex. Pulling her in gently without making her feel mauled. These are the small elements that create a seduction.
6. Set the Scene
Do not under any circumstances play the most obvious seduction soundtrack of all time. Leave Boyz II Men and Marvin Gaye on the backburner.
Instead, set a softer scene. Candles or soft lighting can set a mood. You can add music that you both enjoy but keep the volume down.
Leave your expectations at home for how the evening will go.
Women can tell when you think the evening is going to end in the bedroom.
If there’s pressure and an expectation, seduction goes right out the window. True seduction allows room for the possibility without the pressure.
Maybe she had a tough day and doesn’t feel like having an intimate night. It’s possible she just wants to spend time with you but isn’t ready to take the next step.
True seduction involves respecting her boundaries and letting the relationship progress naturally without making her feel like sex is expected in return for your minimal consideration.
You can still set an intimate scene with hopes that it progresses physically, but even if it doesn’t, the atmosphere you set can build emotional intimacy as well.
7. Don’t Neglect Personal Hygiene
This might seem obvious, but I wonder sometimes. If you want to seduce a woman, pay attention to your personal hygiene. Don’t bathe in cologne. Apply any scent with a light hand.
Don’t skip showering or grooming practices. If you’re going out on a date, dress your best.
Even if the date is casual, it’s important to look like you made an effort and not just pull out a wrinkled outfit you’d be just as likely to paint a house while wearing.
Making an effort with personal hygiene shows interest. It’s a part of the seduction. Failing to heed basic hygiene standards could cancel out any other efforts you make toward seducing her.
8. Be Consistent
You might be wondering what consistency has to do with seduction. You can ace every single part of seduction, but if you’re inconsistent with contact, you’re going to lessen the impact.
Make sure that you communicate well as you develop a relationship. Even if you’re planning to keep things casual, consistent communication is just as important as if you’re developing a longer term relationship.
Consistency matters in physical intimacy, too. If you stop making the effort once you establish a sexual relationship, you can expect her interest to decline. Seduction should be ongoing even when relationships shift and grow over time.
9. Be Willing to Learn
Even if you consider yourself an expert at sex, you need to be willing to study and learn your new partner. Find out what she likes. Explore her fantasies, and share your own.
Making an effort to learn her body is just another way to seduce her. Plus, it will naturally improve the quality of your sex life if you are open to treating her as an individual and finding out her preferences.
Every lover is different. Treating them all the same isn’t a good thing. Instead, be open and willing to learn and share.
10. Give Genuine Compliments
Many pickup artists will suggest negging, also known as a backhanded compliment. It’s a bad idea. If you truly want to seduce someone, learn how to give a genuine compliment.
Dropping a “hey, beautiful” in her DMs is not the way.
Instead, learn to authentically admire her. If you think she looks pretty, tell her, if you think she has a great smile, let her in on the secret.
If you love her laugh, let her know.
The compliments don’t have to be physical either. Let her know what you like about her. No matter how confident she is, she’ll still likely appreciate hearing what you like about her.
It can be a big turn-on when it feels genuine and not forced or manipulative.
11. Charm Her Friends
The Spice Girls said it best, “If you want to be my lover, you’ve got to get with my friends.” If you’re rude or dismissive to her friends, expect her to lose interest.
Part of seducing her is showing consideration and care for her friends. It’s not about being manipulative. It’s about genuinely showing your character by treating other people with kindness. When you charm her friends, you’re charming her, too.
Plus, if she has good friends, they’re going to give her their honest opinion about you. If they think you’re a jerk, they’ll let her know and encourage her to dump you.
If they think you’re awesome, they’ll share that with her, too. Friends often have a great bullshit detector, so you won’t be able to trick them into thinking you’re great if you’re not. Be genuine, and be kind.
12. Make Eye Contact
While eye contact can be challenging for neurodivergent people and those with social anxiety, it is a key part of seduction. Gazing into each other’s eyes while talking can build a sense of trust and intimacy.
Holding eye contact can be a part of letting her know you’re truly interested and attentive to her.
Don’t think you have to stare at each other for long periods of time. That could be unsettling. Instead, allow it to happen naturally.
For instance, put down your phone so that you can focus on her when she’s talking. Try not to be distracted during conversations. If you make an effort at giving her your undivided attention, you’ll likely increase eye contact — and improve the chances of successful seduction.
13. Keep It Simple
Don’t feel like you have to go overboard to seduce her. Remember how I mentioned it takes a soft touch? You don’t need grand gestures or exaggerated compliments.
You just need attention, consideration, and patience. Patience just might be key.
Seduction isn’t about rushing her into bed. It’s about creating a sense of intimacy. She won’t feel it if you come across as untrustworthy.
She won’t relax enough to be seduced if she can see that everything you’re doing comes with strings attached. If you’re interested in spending time with her because you enjoy her company, she’ll feel that.
It’s so much more impactful than trying to do big things to impress her. Seduction doesn’t really need to be all that complicated.
Pickup artists might see some success simply due to statistics and persistence. They might be great at hookup culture. They might even manage to superficially seduce certain people.
What they can’t do is create true intimacy.
The goal of the pickup artist is to obtain a specific outcome, which is usually sex.
However, if you want to truly seduce a woman, you have to be willing to take sex off the table and not make it your only goal for the interaction.
You have to be patient, respect her boundaries, and understand consent.
You probably won’t get laid as much as a pickup artist, assuming their self-reports can be trusted, but you will be more likely to have stronger connections with genuine people.
I can’t tell you how to make someone be attracted to you who’s not. I can’t share how to manipulate someone into the bedroom.
Most importantly, I won’t tell you how to use someone’s feelings to get what you want. That’s immature — and even toxic.
What I can do is share a few seductive techniques that just might work if you have attraction and chemistry in your favor.
Honestly, seduction is both art and science. It’s understanding what women want and being willing to slow down and savor it.
It’s having a working knowledge of consent and a willingness to learn a new partner’s preferences.
Seduction isn’t intimacy, but it is a way to build it. It can lead to more connected relationships — whether that’s for one night or for a lifetime.
Just take care that your seduction techniques aren’t simply meant to achieve a goal. Even if your purpose is casual relationships, be upfront about that.
Women have feelings, too, and if you take the time to seduce her, you might create a stronger intimacy than a casual relationship requires.
You just might complicate your dating life if you set out to seduce every casual lover with no intention of follow up.
The internet is full of advice for how to seduce a woman. Keep in mind that we’re not all the same. Perhaps she’s into dad jokes and cat memes.
You won’t know if you go into your seduction assuming she’s like everyone else. Get to know her. Slow down.
Savor the connection, and let it build gradually. Stop trying to get to a particular destination and enjoy the journey of knowing her and allowing her to know you, too.
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Don’t forget to download your free cheat sheet What High-Quality Women Really Want.