I reached that stage in life where I have a clear idea of what attractive traits I like the most in others. And these are qualities that can potentially help anyone become more attractive.
I also have a crystal clear idea of what I want when it comes to relationships – especially in a long-term relationship.
I value some essential personality characteristics, rather than physical traits.
Appearance plays its part – obviously – but it’s not a top priority for me anymore.
I can tell after one or two dates with someone if there’s potential for a relationship.
And it doesn’t depend on how tall he is or his eye color.
Many people experience this shift around their late twenties or early thirties.
I experienced it not too long ago when I was 26.
I realized that the most attractive traits – the ones that make you irresistible – focus mostly on character and inner beauty – what most of us hope to find in a potential partner.
How to Be More Attractive, According to a Relationship Coach
Why listen to me? I’m Sira Mas and I’m a relationship coach. I write about self-improvement, love, dating and psychology. My work has been featured on large publications such as Mamamia, Plenty of Fish, Ladders, Entrepreneur and Thrive Global.
1. Follow Through, Always
“I was always attracted not by some quantifiable, external beauty, but by something deep down, something absolute.– Haruki Murakami
Just as some people have a secret love for rainstorms, earthquakes, or blackouts, I liked that certain undefinable something directed my way by members of the opposite sex. For want of a better word, call it magnetism. Like it or not, it’s a kind of power that snares people and reels them in.”
A few years ago, when I started my first blog, I was dating a guy.
One day we met for a coffee and he told me he wanted to introduce me to a friend who had a blog like mine and was an SEO expert.
He thought he could help me improve my website and work on some technical issues. And he did, he followed through.
A few days later we met his friend who was of great help and gave me some useful tips.
I was not expecting that. I loved it. Few people do what they said they would do.
I see this all the time: people not following through after they said they would do something.
“Seriously? You’ve never been there? I’ll take you there.”
And then they don’t take you anywhere.
There is this tendency to say you will do something, but without following through. And we’ve all been guilty of that at least once.
The thing is, when someone says they will do something and then they do, it’s a turnon. A huge turnon.
It’s a sign of integrity. And it’s attractive.
Recommended read: Be Unforgettable to Anyone: 10 Qualities That Make You Memorable
2. Don’t Try Too Hard to Impress
By far the biggest mistake I see people make is trying too hard. They desperately try to impress the person they’re interested in.
It’s a big turn off when a guy is too focused on bragging about himself and his achievements, as if he has to close a sale with me, as soon as he can.
If a man is telling me how great he is but doesn’t even remember my name, I inevitably perceive him as insecure — because let’s be honest, self-conscious people craving admiration have some unresolved insecurity issues.
When a man talks about himself naturally, without stretching the truth, and is also genuinely interested in getting to know me, it’s pleasant to be in his company.
When the conversation is balanced I love it and I usually want more of that.
Attractive people don’t feel the need to impress others.
When you talk to them, they are relaxed, spontaneous, and natural.
Recommended read: 5 Habits That Make You Unforgettable to Anyone
3. Be Confident
Let’s be honest, confident people are attractive. There’s nothing we can do about it.
When someone is confident you sense it. When they are insecure, you sense it too, unfortunately.
Years ago I was in a relationship with a guy.
Anytime I told him I couldn’t see him because I already had some plans, he would freak out and asked me when, where, why and with whom.
He once told me he perceived my friends and work colleagues as a threat to our relationship.
That’s low self-confidence.
Now, the good news is confidence can be learned and developed. You only have to observe what confident, attractive people do.
Attractive people are those who let you have your life outside the relationship with no attitude about it.
They let you focus on your passions and have your circle of friends without nagging if sometimes you can’t see them — because they have their own life too.
This is being confident.
What’s more, confident doesn’t mean arrogant. It’s all about the opinion you have of yourself.
It’s when you accept and like who you are — and are aware of your strengths without feeling superior — that you display self-esteem.
And when you have a healthy level of self-esteem, external circumstances are not a threat to your self-worth.
You are not afraid of rejection or not being good enough, because you know your value.
That’s one of the most attractive traits someone can have.
As body language and confidence coach Karen Donaldson mentioned, “When someone is comfortable in their own skin that means they’ve accepted themselves fully, flaws and all, and don’t define themselves by those flaws. Instead, they choose to define themselves by their strengths.”
Recommended read: 16 Signs You May Be Unattractive, According to a Dating Coach
4. Be Selective
This is one of my favorite habits. And it’s something only truly attractive people tend to do.
Many men try to pick up as many women as they can, and have no filter.
They try to strike up a conversation with any lady that seems approachable or easy, in such a desperate way you suspect they bet something with their best friend.
Similarly, many women are available to date any man who shows some interest in them. Because they feel they need someone to complete them.
They need a partner because they don’t want to be single, and they are afraid to be alone.
So they lower their standards and don’t set boundaries.
You have the feeling these people have no particular preferences, they just want to seal the deal with someone.
You can smell their desperation from miles away.
When you know someone is interested in getting to know you instead — and not twenty other people at the same time, just you — because you have the qualities they’re looking for, it’s a huge turnon.
Having standards is one of the most attractive traits. Attractive people know what they want and go after it.
5. Be a Great Listener and Show Curiosity
Attractive people know when to talk and when to listen.
They are active listeners and you can feel they are genuinely interested in what you are talking about.
When you talk they aren’t thinking about what they are going to say next.
They just focus on your words.
Think back to the last time you felt listened to.
The person you were talking to probably made eye contact and asked you interesting questions.
They probably removed any distraction — like their phone or tablet — and were focused only on the conversation.
This is what attractive people do.
They make you feel listened and you can feel they have a sincere interest in what you are saying. And they usually remember what you told them. Even after months.
Now that’s an attractive trait.
As licensed mental health counselor Lynn Berger explains, “We tend to feel attracted to people who are curious about us. When someone is sincerely interested and listens to what you are saying, it is very attractive. You feel cared for and worthy of their attention.”
Recommended read: Good Listeners: 7 Things They Do Differently
6. Don’t Underestimate Nice Gestures
Surprising your partner or simply making nice gestures is one of the most attractive traits as well.
For example, I don’t expect grand romantic gestures from a guy.
And I don’t need to receive flowers with a poem every day — that’s a bit scary, isn’t it?
But when a guy knows how to treat a woman, when a guy knows how and when to surprise a woman, I like it. It’s sexy.
A few years ago, I was dating a guy. He definitely knew how to treat a woman and how to keep the spark alive.
He sent me flowers to the office from time to time – more or less once a month.
And sometimes he arrived at our appointments with a sunflower or a gift to surprise me.
He knew I loved flowers and chocolate, and he knew his gifts made me smile.
So he did his best to make me happy.
However, he didn’t overdo it.
He surprised me from time to time, once or twice a month. Every day – or even every week – would have been too much.
You see, nice gestures are important. And attractive people know it.
Here I might sound a bit old-fashioned, but let’s be honest, when a man doesn’t hold the door for you when you are on a date it’s a bit rude.
Similarly, when a woman is rude or lacks feminine energy, it’s a turn off for most men.
When a guy does small nice things for you such as giving you his jacket when you’re cold, ordering a coffee for you when you’re tired, or opening the door for you, it’s a turnon.
Likewise, when a woman surprises you by buying two concert tickets or a nice present, it’s nice and romantic.
When she prepares a warm cup of tea because you have a cold, it’s sweet.
Confident and attractive people take real pleasure in doing nice things for the person they date or are in a relationship with.
And they don’t expect anything in return. Insecure people instead expect to receive something in return and complain if they don’t.
7. Be Emotionally Independent
Attractive people are emotionally independent.
Being emotionally independent means your happiness and emotional stability don’t depend on external circumstances.
And most importantly, they don’t depend on someone else.
In other words, you have full control over your emotions and your life.
Sarah, a friend of mine, is a fashion blogger.
She loves to dance and sing, and whenever you see her she seems to be enthusiastic about her life.
She’s married to James, a guy who has his own business and a passion for tennis and horses. He loves his life and always goes after what he wants.
He has a fulfilling life too – as Sarah does.
Probably this is the reason why his relationship with my friend Sarah is successful.
In other words, what makes their relationship successful is that they are both emotionally independent.
When you are in a relationship with an emotionally independent individual, you know you’re not responsible for their happiness.
You know they don’t rely on you to be happy.
You don’t have that responsibility. So you are equal. And that’s very attractive.
What do emotionally independent people do?
If they are dating someone, they don’t send a Whatsapp text every two minutes. They’re busy with their daily life instead.
They focus on what makes them feel motivated and put all their energy into it.
From time to time, they might send a text to the person they’re dating, because they’re genuinely interested and want to know how that person is doing.
But they’re not clingy.
If they’re in a relationship, they make their partner a priority but not an obsession.
If their partner is busy or needs some alone time, they are happy to allow them to have some space and do their own thing.
Because their emotional well-being doesn’t depend on their significant other.
It comes from within.
8. Take Care of Your Body
People who treat their body like a temple have self-respect.
And there’s nothing more attractive than someone who has self-respect and takes care of themselves. Do you know why?
Ever heard of the halo effect?
As explained in Very Well Mind, the halo effect is a type of cognitive bias in which our overall impression of a person influences how we feel and think about their character.
This means that if someone takes good care of themselves, their body, and their looks, most people will perceived them as more attractive, both physically and mentally.
The fact that they are well-groomed and take care of their body makes us think they have other positive traits.
For example, we may assume that they are confident, smart, successful, and that other people find them attractive.
You can take care of your body – and consequently of your overall appearance – with some simple daily habits such as:
- Meditating for 20 minutes;
- Eating healthy, whole foods;
- Learning to maintain a good posture;
- Having a healthy skincare routine;
- Taking a cold shower;
- Dressing elegantly;
- Drinking at least 2.5 liters of water.
All these habits protect and enhance your immune system, and make you stronger and healthier.
And they help you be the most attractive version of yourself.
9. Learn to Laugh at Yourself
A few weeks ago, my friend Elsa was taking a walk.
She was listening to music and she was completely distracted.
A guy who was carrying a pallet full of boxes to the pharmacy yelled at her because she was on his way — he was walking behind her.
She removed her earphones and said, “Oh, I’m so sorry, as always, I was daydreaming.” And then she facepalmed and laughed.
Let’s be honest for a moment. People who can laugh at themselves are just magnetic.
They don’t easily get upset if you tease them and don’t take them too seriously.
And that’s part of a truly attractive personality because it means you have a good sense of humor.
As Rachel Sommer, Ph.D., clinical sexologist and co-founder of My Sex Toy Guide, explains, “Having a sense of humor is relative, but people are inherently more attracted to those they find amusing.”
“If you make them giggle, you can be sure they’ll always enjoy the company and constantly make efforts to spend time together,” adds Sommer.
10. Learn to Have Control Over Your Emotions
Let’s be honest. It’s not easy to always have control over your emotions.
However, people who can do that are extremely attractive.
As explained in an interesting article published in Psychology Today, to have control over your emotions — so that your emotions don’t control you — you need to follow three steps.
First, you have to label your emotions; second, you have to frame your thoughts (so that your emotions don’t affect how you perceive reality); and then, you should engage in a anything that boosts your mood — for example, going for a walk, calling a good friend or meditating.
Also, whenever someone pushes your buttons, avoid to react immediately.
Allow yourself to think about what you’re going to say or do next, and, if you can, wait at least a few hours before talking to the other person or doing something.
Take your time to cool down and reorganize your thoughts.
11. Be Warm
I don’t know about you, but I find warmth one of the most attractive qualities in people.
When you are warm, people see you as empathetic, respectful and friendly.
Also, they see you as someone approachable.
This is why this quality is essential to connect with others and build meaningful relationships.
A warm person is someone who after you had a long, tough day, hugs you, kisses you and asks you if you want to talk about it.
Also, a warm person is someone who when you’re out for dinner smiles to the staff and treats everyone with respect.
They always treat others as they want to be treated.
Recommended read: Charisma: 5 Secrets of People Who Successfully Developed It
12. Fall in Love with Your Life and Don’t Look for Anyone to “Complete” You
People who love their life, who have hobbies, and most importantly that have a purpose in life are particularly attractive.
For example, my friend Norah is a singer, she loves to compose her own songs and signs in two bands. She also volunteers, plays basketball and teaches Pilates.
She loves everything she does, and every man she dates is crazy for her. Men find her unique.
This is not only because she has many hobbies, but it’s also due to the fact she is in love with her life and is emotionally independent.
She is not the kind of woman who needs someone to complete her, because she already feels whole.
She is passionate about her life, and this is why men usually describe her as magnetic.
13. Become Highly Skilled at Something and Be Passionate About It
Being passionate about something is often considered particularly attractive.
Here’s what love coach and a licensed professional counselor Brianna Sanders has to say regarding this:
“I don’t know about you, but this is true for me and I can confidently say that it’s true for every single client I have encountered. When someone is highly skilled at something, even if it’s just one thing, it is super attractive.”
“The more challenging or unique the skill, the more attractive it makes someone look. And then if they’re skilled at more than one skill, oh yes. It makes sense that having a mastered skill is attractive,” adds Sanders.
14. Balance Introversion and Extroversion
As relationship coach at The Tantric Academy Steffo Shambo mentioned to The Truly Charming, “Hitting the right cord between extroversion and introversion often makes a person desirable and attractive. No one wants to be around a person who is too sheepish or too energetic.”
“Many might feel it hard to match the vibe of an extremely spirited person as they are often lost in their world of innumerable acquaintances. Likewise, an awfully timid person may kill the mood of initiating intimate heartfelt conversations,” adds Shambo.
These are the 14 most attractive traits that you can easily steal from charming people:
- Following through;
- Not trying too hard to impress;
- Exuding confidence;
- Being selective;
- Being a great listener;
- Making nice gestures;
- Emotional independence;
- Taking care of your body;
- Laughing at yourself;
- Having control over your emotions;
- Being in love with your life and feeling complete;
- Being highly skilled at something and being passionate about it;
- Having balanced traits of introversion and extroversion.
As you can see, it isn’t always about looks. In fact, it’s almost never about looks.
Still wondering about how to be more attractive?
The whole point of attraction and how to charm anyone is about inner beauty and how we make others feel. It’s about how we connect with others and how we use our social skills.
We should all start to focus less on our physical appearance and more on becoming better human beings.
Because great human beings are attractive.